Goodmornings

Waking up while buried deep in the white comforter is a conundrum sometimes. There's bluish, snow-softened light seeping through the blinds, and the coolest friend in the world is dreaming quietly under her purple eye mask next to me, and my hair is clean and nice-smelling and cuddling around my neck. But after those few seconds of dreamy, half-conscious bliss, the noisy, worried part of my brain wakes up and starts running around, fretting about its complaints.

Do I listen to the sunlight and the comforter and the teddy bears? Or the little worries?

I'm not sure.

But it's nice to wake up and for a moment, with all these tiny kisses from the sun showering me with little delights,
the other things don't matter.

Hello, world... we meet again.

 

Update:

I'm going to a church retreat this weekend with a bunch of senior girls I've never met.

I gave a sweet sophomore girl my number between classes this week and told her to call me.

I've made a new friend that looks promising.

So, in essence, I'm pursuing some people.

But:

I have no one at school.

It's still kind of a waiting-on-God thing at this point to see if any of this stuff actually works out.

I'm realizing that I need to cut back on some relationships, and it's hurting.


This is hard. 

To Those That Get It,

This is one of those trust moments where I'm placing part of me in the hands of who-knows-who.

I've heard that when you're a Christian, your relationships with others should be like a cross. You've got people above you pouring into you, people below you whom you're pouring into, and those on either side who are there with you, and you all pour into each other.

Well, my 'cross' has been pretty lopsided as of late.

I noticed it a little while ago that I really didn't have too many close friends, but it really hit me when I realized that I had even fewer Christian friends.

And today when I was venting to my mom and absolutely broke down, I realized that this is not something to be taken lightly. It's a real struggle, and a real need.

I have some scattered Christian friends in my area at the moment. Excluding my family from back in Okinawa, there are a handful of people that I see occasionally that are genuinely life-giving, and pour into me like Jesus.

But in my daily life, like-hearted people are absolutely scarce.

Oh, I have a few friends that call themselves Christians, and some even act like it. But like-hearted is something very rare. And I'm realizing that trying to get by on.... the relationships I have been... is not working.

I can feel this huge hole in my life. And as it widens, I can sense the world trying to fill it. I notice myself being tempted to fill it with temporary things. It's scary. I'm trying to respond by simply spending more time with God. That helps, of course. But there is a definite place where Godly, life-giving relationships are designed to fit, and that place is nearly empty.

Yes, this is teaching me to rely on God more. Immensely. In a short time, I've made amazing discoveries on how to bring His Presence into my daily routine and have seen incredible joy come from that. I know I need to depend on Him for my joy, not others.

But as my mother comforted me today, she reminded me of the truth: to be loved is a God-given need. And there's nothing wrong with needing human relationships, because sometimes those are the venues by which God blesses us.

So okay. Here's why I'm saying all this on the Internet.

I'm done hiding this. I'm done hiding the fact that there is a gaping hole in my heart and in my life. It won't get better until I am honest about where I am.

To any readers that are Christians and know what I'm talking about:
Prayer could not be more needed. I cannot under any circumstances go through this life alone, and so if nothing else, pray for more of His Presence. (But some friends would be nice too.)

To any readers I have yet to become properly acquainted with: 
Say hi to me sometime, please. Even if you're not into the whole Jesus thing, I could use a few kindred spirits. It helps more than you realize.

Let your kingdom come in this world and in my life...

....Your love is strong....

Dear Thursday,

Way to exceed my greatest expectations!

Just when I thought the week was nothing more than mediocre, you decided to show up with a bag of awesome and knock my socks off. It's been too long since Thursdays lived up to my love.

To recount some of your joyous surprises:

-Spontaneous and shameless dancing in Creative Writing (in my desk, no less), followed by an outburst of fist pumps and ninja kicks down the hallway because I just couldn't contain the happiness that Olly Murs and La Roux and New Politics had jazzed into my brain through my earbuds.

-Successful wearing of a headband for the first time in, well, ever.

-The incredibly unextraordinary yet thrilling exchange that passed between an attractive boy in AP Calc and I this morning that went something like this:
Me: "How was the weekend?"
Him: "It was really great."
Me: "Good."

-Being informed that at least one of my writings is almost certainly being included in the six pieces that our school submits to a literary magazine for publishing.

-My first semi-professional audition for a play outside of school (for a lead, no less!) in which a charming and wonderfully intelligent old director man named Fred said I had a "lovely" British accent during my read.

-A long-overdue mint chocolate chip milkshake from Wawa.

-My first college acceptance letter, which just happened to be accompanied by a $16,000 scholarship.... y'know, just 'cause.

All in all, you were a beautiful and unexpected gift! Feel free to take it easy 'till you roll around again....you deserve it, grand friend. :)

To the Falling-Apart World,

Can we all just be honest with one another?

We put our trust and love into things that are not God, nor should they be. And it never works out, does it?

They always fail. They always do.

And sometimes, the heartbreak and agony that follows is literally a physical pain, crushing and choking your heart right out of your chest and into your throat. And it's awful.

And where do we turn to put ourselves back together? Those same things, of course.

How silly. You think we'd learn. Ah, irony and it's grim consequences.

There go our hearts.

Why don't we learn to guard our hearts? Let's stop giving them away at every turn. Better yet, let's stop blaming things and people when they don't take care of our hearts the way God is designed to. You can't treat anything else like God. It's not fair.

And let's let ourselves be hurt. But then let's move forward. Out of the things that hurt us and onto brighter horizons. Let's not look back with bitterness and blame the world for our insecurities. Let's take it as one takes a vitamin: swiftly, with a painful swallow, knowing that it's only going to make us better over time.

Now. Let's pick ourselves up like the conquerers we long to be and face the world for no one's approval but God's.

Trials And Triumphs: Thick Hair

For the entirety of my preteen/teenage life, all I've gotten from other girls is:

"Oh my gosh, I'm so jealous of your hair. It's so thick. I wish my hair was thick like that."

And no matter how I protest, they insist it's what they want.

Are you sure?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wispy. What a gorgeous word. Unfortunately, it's one that will never live in harmony with my hair. Luscious, maybe. Maybe even, someday, cascading. But never wispy. Never dancing in the wind. Never gently caressing my arms like flower petals. Never will my braids silkily fold and wrap around my shoulders. They thunk against my chest thickly, stiff and spilling out of my meticulously-tugged plaits. Never will my face be framed by a simple barrette, clipping back a dainty french-braided section of bangs. It takes, on a good day, two or three twisted chunks, pulled back and strategically stuck sharply with bobby pins at intervals. Never will I be able to wake up, wrap a curling iron through it a couple times, and show up to school with perfect shiny, bouncy curls. For a good half hour or more I hold small sections in until my arm aches, trying like everyone else to achieve the impossible.

But the promise of cascading still hangs, tantalizing, in the air. My hair has its moments, I guess. So I'll keep it around.

Dear Put-Together Abby,

I saw you cruise by in a faded blue Jeep Cherokee, long curls dancing in the summer breeze, whistling to Jukebox the Ghost, smiling obliviously, so caught up in your perfect daydreams that you completely missed the house and kept driving.

Um. 

I know you're all caught up in your perfect life and all, and that you're probably really busy packing photos and hip decor into your boxes to take to The Perfect College, but if you could find a minute to come back, we're not doing so hot without you. 

You see, this whole "living" thing requires complete attention, and when we're so busy studying for AP classes and trying to fulfill the American Dream, we forget about that. Gorgeous opportunities for adventures absolutely dance outside our second-story bedroom window and we're crouched on the scratchy carpet, puzzling over a math problem, concentrating too hard to look up. 

But I know you're enjoying yourself. And it's such a lovely picture to just admire, to be honest. So if you don't feel like coming back and dragging yourself through the muck, I suppose messy-haired, scatterbrained, too-concerned, ordinary Abby will just have to do. 

She's kind of cool sometimes, I suppose. 

Anyways.

Send us a postcard!