New Year, New List

I've started looking forward to doing these resolutions every year. Even if I don't accomplish every last one, the idea that I'm putting a few key goals in my mind for the next year gives me a sense of purpose. So, 2014. Let's see how you stacked up.

2014 Resolutions

Graduate with a GPA of 4.15

The final GPA was 4.21(4.19 unweighted). Woohoo! High enough to surpass my goal, not quite high enough to make Summa Cum Laude. But you know what, that's okay. It says I tried my best, but I didn't let academics define me, which is what I wanted. 

Get a date to senior prom

I sure did. I even outdid myself and went to two proms, and they remain happily frozen in my memory as the magical evenings (and mornings) that they truly were. 

Find a modest bathing suit

I found two! And while they don't fit like they were made for my body, they make me proud for trying. Modesty will never stop being a good challenge. 

Journal more during Bible-reading

I think so. I usually jot down daily thoughts or verses, but I could certainly commit to it more. But more on that later.

Get elbow-length hair

Guys. I got SO close! I've been really into long hair this year. The progress was impressive.

I recently got it trimmed and put in some layers, so it has a bit of catching up to do, but I expect to reach mermaid status for sure by 2016. 

Be happy with the college I choose

This one is a resounding yes. Everything that's happened since coming to Gordon has confirmed over and over that this is where I'm supposed to be. I connect with the people, the professors are so wise and kind, the campus is beautiful, and I'm growing so much. Never thought I'd say this(and the fact that I can say it says a lot), but I doubt even Stanford could have been as perfect. 

Go on more adventures

Overall, definitely. College does that. But I think I also became a little more fearless this year, which has shown itself in many areas and which I'm pretty glad about. 

Keep in touch with the important people

Not as much as I would have liked, but I did my best. I realized over the last semester how few people in my life were truly important. Besides my family, I really only have a chosen few that I value enough to make the effort for. But those are the best people. 

Continue to not swear 

Oops. Never thought I'd fail on this one. It freaked me out when I heard people swearing casually at a Christian college, and after the shock faded I found myself slipping up with alarming frequency. It's fizzling out somewhat, and taught me something about the weight you can choose to give words. I'm still figuring out the weight of mine. 

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Well. That was a journey. It's weird how fast a year goes by, but when it's over and I look back, SO much happened. Anyways.

Normally, I do a simple list of ten resolutions every year that vaguely spans over the main aspects of my life, but this year I'm doing something different. The past six months have really been about spiritual growth for me, and more and more I find that the thing I want most is just to love the Lord with everything I have. So this year my resolutions are based on the greatest commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Which for me means:

Heart: Relational goals

Mind: Mental goals

Soul: Spiritual goals

Strength: Health goals

So:

2015 Resolutions

Heart:

Keep in regular contact with important friends

Call family often (once every week or two, ideally)

Initiate one-on-one hangouts with those I care about

Mind:

Read some new books that aren't for school

Ace a difficult class that isn't for theater

Learn a new skill (musical, domestic, technological, or otherwise.)

Soul:

Keep up daily devotionals

Start giving financially on a regular basis

Pray with others (whether they're friends or not)

Don't compromise on purity (in speech, dress, or conduct)

Strength:

Go to the gym or do solo workouts more often

Eat healthier (i.e. more fruits and veggies)

Take some hiking/biking/boating outdoor trips

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Phew. That looks more extensive when they're all written out like that. But I'm confident. As long as my greatest aim is to love God, I've accomplished all I need to. 

The Difference Between High School and College

Orientation ended back in late August and I was suddenly in the midst of that world that everyone talks about, the world that's the setting for many a film, the one I've heard will have the biggest impact on me than any other in my life. I don't know what I was expecting, but a few things have surprised me about it in the best way possible, and awakened me to the liberating reality that I do not miss high school one tiny bit. (Good thing I didn't get attached.)

-Staying up till 3 on a Tuesday night is a normality, but not because you're torturing yourself over homework. It'll be because your group spontaneously decided it was time for a Harry Potter marathon, or an impromptu trip for doughnuts and pizza before engaging in a high-stakes Nerf war in the dorm basement. Speaking of which...

-I have a group. I've never had a group before. I've had one or two friends in several different social spheres, but never a pack of my own. We have a group text to coordinate family dinners. What on earth?

-But that doesn't mean they're my only friends, either. I can't go anywhere without encountering at least 5 people that I have to say hi to and possibly hug, and how's their week going and that's a great sweater and we should hang soon and it was great to see you for the third time this week. By no means am I wildly popular, but I have more friends than I've ever had and it's kind of awesome.

-When you want to see someone, you can just... walk to their actual bedroom and start a conversation right where you left off the last one. I don't just go to school with these people. I live with them. They are intertwined into every aspect of my daily life, essentially making them my family. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I had the strange realization that outside of college, when you want to see a friend, you just have to... wait... until the next time you see each other.

-All those things that I cared about in high school? The completeness of every mundane homework assignment, whether or not so-and-so liked me or was mad at me or cared if I did anything, how impressive my transcript or extracurriculars looked? None. Of. It. Matters. No one talks about what scholarships they got, who was valedictorian or class president, or any of that. It's the best thing that could have happened, because I hated caring about that stuff to begin with.
Even to the most dedicated, high-stress college student, at the end of the day grades are just grades. 
Everyone understands that the things we remember about college won't be academic-related. For someone who's been an overachieving perfectionist their whole life, it's a freedom like no other.

-On a related note, all the prexisting requirements for "cool" are almost nonexistent. There is almost no fame attached to the members of student government, star athletes, people whose parents have a pool, the hot girls who have more friends than all the other girls. Being who you are is cool, and being different doesn't make you an outsider. It feels like a slap in the face to the people that "mattered" in high school for those other reasons, and for some sick reason I love it. I don't miss them.

-I don't even miss the kids I talked to every day, the ones I genuinely liked. Occasionally a faint memory of my few best friends comes to mind, and perhaps I wish they were with me, but that's it, because I don't want to leave where I am, even for them. Is that absolutely terrible? On the other hand, if I go a couple days without seeing my current friends, something feels horribly wrong. It's true what they say, about which friends you keep forever: it's the ones you meet in college.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When new people ask where I live, I don't say Virginia. I say Massachusetts. It's sort of unbelievable, but this is my home now. Which is problematic, since college is by definition an impermanent thing. But this will be the longest I've ever been in one place, and I think I'm okay with that. I'll stay a while.

The SuperBowl of Epiphanies

After binging on savory, gravy-based Thanksgiving dishes, cat cuddles, and a viewing of the third Hunger Games movie with my brother, I was nestled under the neck massager/heating pad watching the 49er's (unfortunately) turn over the ball to the Seahawks twice when I had an epiphany.

I've never been a sports fan. That much is certain. But I never realized exactly why until this moment. 

I've always been reasonably afraid that my lack of true vigor for sports will prevent my future husband from wanting to marry me, somehow. So it's understandable that I don't really talk about this. But in truth, I've never really been into watching sports (at least on TV) and probably never will. The problem isn't that I don't have a sport; it's that I don't have a team. And lamentably, this is irreversible. Here's why. 

For most people, watching sports starts with their favorite team. Any interest in watching other teams stems from their relationship to the "home" team or that team's rival. For diehard sports fans, this is because their loyalty to a certain team comes from their loyalty to a place. Philadelphia. San Francisco. Chicago. Boston. The greater DC area. You get it. For my parents, their teams are a symbol of where they grew up. Their family. Their livelihood. Of course they would care about that. They should. 

I don't have any real loyalty to a team because I don't have a hometown. The closest I have is a vague, exaggerated allegiance to my parents' teams, mostly my dad's because I was born near where he grew up. It's familial, but in reality, sports teams mean nothing to me. I didn't grow up going to games. It doesn't remind me of my hometown atmosphere. I have no connection to them, and because of the person that I am, somehow this means I can't honestly get behind them. 

Though this all seems like an arbitrary and completely useless revelation, you're going to have to take my word that it brought me incredible relief. Finally, I have a logical reason for why I get distracted during the SuperBowl. It's like I didn't realize I was waiting to forgive myself until now. 

So, in conclusion: Mr. Right, I will completely respect and support your right to scream at the TV and have friends over when your team goes to the SuperBowl, and I will even pretend to be fully engaged, but I will never be the girl that can put on a jersey, sit in the middle of the couch on the edge of my seat and banter with the guys about players, no matter how much I wish I was. I will, however, wear the jersey because I think it looks cool. 

Dear American Red Cross,

According to you, a pint of Liquid Me was unwelcome today in the science center during the blood drive. Why, you may ask? Well, apparently spending 5 or more years in Japan puts me at a slightly higher risk for a blood disease that they conveniently can't test for without an autopsy. So it looks like my dangerous foreign-exposed blood will not be saving any lives except my own.

And as I left the science center having gained a chapel credit but lost no blood, I was tempted to regret having told the truth about that small Asian island that held so much of my life in its salty hands. But then I stopped myself. 

Because you know what? 

That fifth year in Okinawa- the definitive year that prevented me from giving blood today- gave me the happiest and most fulfilling moments of my life. I spent it with the people who will be in my wedding- the people who saw more of my character grow and hold more of my heart than any other bunch on this measly continent. I jumped off a 30-foot tower into the ocean. I set a bonfire in my backyard. I latched onto the tail fin of a moving whale shark. I ate fried rice so incredible it made me cry just thinking about it a year later. I laughed and cried when things mattered, dreamed wildly and loved more than I knew I could. 

And I refuse to regret it. Because that year on that jewel of an island may have prevented me from saving anyone else's life today... but it sure saved mine. 

November Adventure Bucket List

Now that this giant gem of a fall show is over and my days just expanded by several hours, I want to use them with gusto. So without further ado, here are some excursions upon which I wish to embark, in no particular order.

• Find the nearest animal shelter/pet store with a room that lets you play with the puppies and kittens and just spend a solid hour letting furry animals soothe my soul.

• Go to a planetarium show. (Everything inside me longs for this more than I can express.)

• Spend several hours in Boston by myself, just walking around or maybe touring a museum.

• Visit the aquarium and giggle with glee at the fishes and turtles and jellyfish and such.

• Go to Chili's. I haven't eaten there in forever and there is a whole in my heart that only unlimited chips and salsa and Molten Chocolate Cake will satisfy.

• Find a new woodland trail and spend an afternoon taking pictures with friends there.

• Visit a pentecostal church and unabashedly praise with my whole body.

• Learn the Around the World swing dancing move so I can return to the Debauchery Swing club with something up my sleeve. Also, the Helicopter.

• Finish figuring out GarageBand and then go to Philips and whip out piano covers of Painting Roses, West, and a couple others. Then mix them and add harmonies and such and maybe post them on SoundCloud if they're good.

• Get better at riffing on the ukulele by watching Jake Shimbakuro tutorials on YouTube and crying a little.

• Bake cookies with the Quad Squad and then watch Inception. Or Lord of the Rings. Or anything, really.

• Write more letters. To relatives. To old friends. To new friends. To Santa. (Wait what?)

• Continue to attempt abstract watercolors and continue to turn out grade-school-level blobs of color that vaguely resemble a landscape. 

• Acquire more hats. (I don't really need more time for that, it's just something I want to do.)

My spontaneity level is either about to skyrocket or plummet. Fingers crossed. 

Research Hours

We can curl our knees
towards us, tightly fitting
ourselves between bookcases
like puzzle pieces with sore
backs for infinite
cups of hot chocolate

but the conversations I remember
best will always be
the ones I have later,
with myself, bouncing
off the parallel walls
in hallways
that offer no answers
as to why I can't
just be brave

because it's the aftermath
that brings the epiphany,
the crunching icy remnants
of what-ifs
shouting that fine line
between bravery
and spontaneity,
and how I can't admit
that I lack the
thing I want most
to be,

since that would require
less thinking
and more doing-
its easier to accept
that reality
and my imagination
will never
be friends

First Snow

Sweater-wrapped palms
suppress breathy giggles
that bubble
from that place
I forgot was still
inside me
the place that doesn't
care that class
won't be canceled

the rough patch
in the middle of my
tongue is permanently
scorched from all
the times
I sipped too soon,
dunked my nose
into whipped cream
and sank my shoulders
into booths with
blissful sighs

so I tie the belt
on my coat with the
satisfying tug
of a secret agent,
feel the wind
bite my nose
and make it blush,
complain
with the rest
that my toes are numb,
and bury my palms
in my damp
sweater sleeves.