Can't Remember

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

you can't believe it

you were always singing along

it was so easy

and the words so sweet

you can't remember....

Dear Never-Ending-Math-Equation,

Until about 5 minutes ago, I wasn't going to post this on my actual blog.

But that was before you went on a date with someone to get tea. 

And that cemented the knowledge that there's no way you still read this. 

You know what's worse? The fact that I found the means to know that. 

And I wouldn't have looked, but this afternoon I found my name. On August 29th. And decided to see if I could manage that again. 

So I walked. I listened. And then I waited.

And you went on a date. 

So I suppose I should have just figured it out by now, but at least I know for sure.

I lost, didn't I. 

Man, I feel so, so stupid.

16 Candles

Once upon a time 16 years ago, a miracle occurred as the hands of the Almighty Himself touched earth and I, a mere mortal, stepped into it. 

Ha. Kidding. But I think I gave it some flair. 

It's weird to think that I'm actually sixteen. I mean, as corny as that sounds. Nowadays, 16-agers don't really care or take notice of the fact. But looking back, I remember all the points in my life I revered sixteen as the age of womanhood, of officially being a teenager, of almost-adulthood. It was the pinnacle, the golden age of female humanity, in my childhood opinion. I also remember stopping at brief moments to muse:

I wonder what I'll be like when I'm sixteen. 

I wish I'd been thoughtful enough as a seven-and-nine-year-old to write my future self a letter with expectations as to what I wanted to be by the time I was sixteen. It was as far off and wonderously mysterious as imagining my own married life is to me now. 

*Mental note* Write letter to married self.

Now, thinking about it, I hope I lived up to my own expectations. 

I've always been a fan of purposeful birthday wishes. In that brief moment before I blow out the candles, I make certain to concoct the most perfect and all-encompassing wish, one that I believe can be accomplished within the next year. So tomorrow, when I blow out the candles(in one perfect puff, no less), I want to make sure my wish is as fitting as possible for such an occasion. 

So to narrow down the options, here are 16 of the best things I could wish for, one for every candle.

#1: To grow closer to God every day.

#2: To love my family more deeply than last year.

#3: To find true friends and invest as deeply in them as I did in Okinawa.

#4: To work hard for the things I want.

#5: To not just capture photos, but moments. 

#6: To keep concocting brilliant screenplays that fit in the span of an iPod song.

#7: To cross off some bucket list items.

#8: To do something bold.

#9: To never lower my standards.

#10: To take pride in myself, inwardly and outwardly.

#11: To engage in witty banter whenever possible.

#12: To not lose faith in the human race.

#13: To not give up on being the best actor possible.

#14: To love people like Jesus does.

#15: To explore unknown music.

#16: To not need guys for my security, but not be afraid of them either. 

Oh, and let's get a driver's license while we're at it, shall we? 

Dear Future Husband,

There are moments when I hope you're having as tough a time as I am.

Do you ever sit on your bed and wonder where in the world I am, and hoping desperately that I'm waiting for you?

Of course you don't. Silly me. You're a guy. Then again...maybe you're an imaginative, sensitive guy. That could be cool.

But do you at least have brief moments of hopelessness, where the agony of waiting catches up to you, and you just wish you could jump the line and get a glimpse at our meeting?

Or even little things, like when your mom makes some delicious brownies or you pass some girl in the hallway with a nice smile, and you hope for a small moment that I just might have those things too.

I hope we can also laugh about how much of a pain all this waiting was someday. Won't that be a great moment.

We'll cringe about all our awkward moments with other people, assuming they're not too numerous, and pinky swear to forget them all. Then we'll go give our 4 dogs a bath, and drink iced tea on the porch while I paint a watercolor of the Montana sunset, since by that time I'll have magically become a stellar painter.

Or something along those lines.

Sometimes I worry that I'll be too clingy. That you'll be having a good day at work (well, it could happen), and I'll be missing you and when you come home, you won't be as excited to see me as I am to see you.

But then I tell myself that's stupid. Because you're not some stupid teenage boyfriend, you're my husband.

I hope I don't have doubts. That's the thing I'm almost sure I'll be: afraid. To trust in someone so much, after who knows how long, that I'll confidently say yes to a lifetime of best-friendship, forever and ever amen.

But don't get me wrong. It sounds awesome. So I think you'll just be so fantastic that there's no way I can't think we were made on this earth to find our way to each other.

I don't know how far down the road you are, but I know that every day is one day less I have to wait for us to get there.

Until then. Happy trails.

And all along I believed I would find you...

Yes. It's corny. But we just might have to dance to this at our wedding. 

My Latest Sleeping At Last Song

Chances are we bruise the same

A family tree desperate for rain

A thirst only deserts know best...

...a purpose worthy of

such a noble aim

as love....

This band...they reside beautifully in a special corner of my heart...

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Dear Ginger Boy from Bus 228,

Your decision to talk to me this afternoon instead of the dark-haired girl who usually occupies the bus seat opposite yours was quite unexpected. 

You've lived in Okinawa!?

You're not a senior, but my age?

Who knew?

We reminisced about Aquarius and vending machines and scuba diving and the particulars of Plaza housing...

...and you were completely unaware at my utter enthrallment and pure excitement. 

At the corner of Kinross and Nugent, I got up and we said we'd see each other tomorrow. The dark-haired in the seat behind me gladly scooted forward and took her usual place as your partner in conversation as I got off the bus and started home. 

Don't worry, I waited until the bus was out of sight to let any awesomeness spring forth in the form of fist-pumps and wild dancing down the sidewalk.... 

My Latest Frustrated Song

And I'm sorry I hurt you

If you're sorry you hurt me too

My head's in a heart shaped box...

My Latest Love Song

It's been a cold bitter mile

maybe it could be a while

till the sun and the sky light the way...

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My Latest Epic Song

I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was

now don't you understand

I'm never changing who I am

I Can Do This

I made the play. 

I MADE THE PLAY.

To me, this means I can be okay. Here. In this supposed heaven-forsaken place to which I've been sent for no fathomable reason. I could make friends. Have things to do in the afternoons. Be myself. Be expressive. Be happy, even. 

You know what?

I might be okay here. 

Imagine that. 

I've been waiting to smile, yeah

Been holding it in for a while

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Love Of The Piano

That epic moment when creative geniuses make over-publicized songs into masterpieces. 

I love it.

Guess What.

I made a friend today.

She likes Serenity and Firefly, the two other shows Nathan Fillion is famous for starring in, SO SHE'S HEARD OF CASTLE. <3

We also have 3 classes together.

And did I mention she's auditioning for the same drama competition as me tomorrow?

I think she's even a Christian.

Other than that, there wasn't much special about today except-

I. Made. A. Friend.

Leave It Be

I felt the need to post something. 

Trouble is, what.

First off, may I express my sheer joy that my new favorite song has a grand total of 15 pageviews?

I'm proud. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ironically, there are many people I would relish the opportunity to burst my thoughts and emotions upon. I say ironically because I could count my acquaintances here on one hand. But I can only pick two messages for now. And since songs say what I never can, I'll let this one do the talking. 

When we talk we don't talk at all...  

Let it be just a beautiful memory....

Isn't it strange how perfect music says it?

Radioactive

I'm waking up, the action does

I wipe my brow

and I sweat my rust

I'm breathing in

the chemicals

I'm breaking in, shaping up

then checking out on the prison bus

This is it

the apocalypse

Whoa, I'm waking up

I feel it in my bones

enough to make my systems run

Welcome to the new age....

Ever find a song that makes every particle in your being explode with sheer energy sufficient to send you fist-pumping down the street in pure undiluted hysteria?

I just did.