Catnap Appreciation

I've never been one for naps. I either a)lay half-awake for 30 minutes before falling dead asleep for 3 hours, wake up not knowing where I am and remain groggy for the rest of the day, or b)lay half-awake for 30 minutes before falling into that weird state where you're having 10 dreams at once but you're never completely asleep for about 40 minutes, whereupon I still wake up disoriented and groggy.

But: can we take a brief moment to appreciate the fact that I took not one, but two successful, single-hour naps today?!
One was after lunch when I was super tired for no reason, and the second was between tonight's callbacks for the spring show (which ended just after 10), and my closing shift at Chester's (12:30 to 2:30am). I finally get all the hype! I wasn't jumping with energy afterwards, but it was just the little amount of sleep needed to take the edge off my drowsiness.  

(Downside: it's 3:20am and I've never been more awake in my life. However, that might be because of the rare cup of actual, caffeinated coffee I drank at the beginning of my shift.)

[This has been: A Moment of Excitement Over A Totally Normal Occurrence.]

Subconscious Tornados

I have a hard time believing people have just one "fatal flaw." We're all sinners who commit multiple sins. It could be said that I have infinite fatal flaws that are all deal breakers in one deal or another.

But one of the more significant ones is my tendency to overthink everything.
You can blurt out that it's because I'm a woman, but the truth is that it comes from my idealistic, imaginative side (from my mother) and my logical, analytical side (from my father) colliding in an infinite tornado inside my mind that roars around, knocking over things, and overcomplicates any and every situation it can.

So when the opportunity to take a leap of faith comes along, you can imagine the mental atom bomb that ensues.

Of course, the first thing I love to do is picture all possible outcomes, and my wonderfully unhelpful brain points out dangerous possibilities in each scenario. But lately I've been learning more and more to give God control of every part of me, even my mind. So I have to let him take care of the things  that haven't happened yet.
I have to accept that me making the "wrong" decision isn't going to stump him. ("What? Why did you do that? Boy, that sure screws up my whole plan for your life. Now what?") No matter what I do, He's in control.

Even if I make a wrong decision, He's in control.

Even if I do nothing, He's in control.

There's freedom in not having everything up to you.
There's faith, too.

Life's scary, that ruthless wizard.

What No One Says About Bravery

It's better to be brave than to sit around and wish you were.
And while it's true that you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the chances that you did take, sometimes you're tempted to regret taking those chances too. When they backfire, for example.

And even if you ignore all that advice about not thinking and being spontaneous and letting "whatever happens happen," and instead you plan out every possible scenario, sometimes the one thing you never expected to happen.... happens. And this one horrible situation you never imagined you'd have to face is staring you down and all you can do is stammer at it awkwardly and repeatedly ask yourself what on earth is happening.

It's awful. Hollywood and popular culture love to show us the happy results of taking chances, but the hard truth is that sometimes being brave isn't enough, and life rewards you with a good slap in the face.

Does that mean we just pick ourselves up and continue to be brave? Or was that a sign that we should be more careful next time?

I don't know. Here's hoping I figure it out eventually.



They tell you not to drive while texting, but no one says anything about driving while crying.

They say you'll never regret being brave, but what happens when you do?

New Year, New List

I've started looking forward to doing these resolutions every year. Even if I don't accomplish every last one, the idea that I'm putting a few key goals in my mind for the next year gives me a sense of purpose. So, 2014. Let's see how you stacked up.

2014 Resolutions

Graduate with a GPA of 4.15

The final GPA was 4.21(4.19 unweighted). Woohoo! High enough to surpass my goal, not quite high enough to make Summa Cum Laude. But you know what, that's okay. It says I tried my best, but I didn't let academics define me, which is what I wanted. 

Get a date to senior prom

I sure did. I even outdid myself and went to two proms, and they remain happily frozen in my memory as the magical evenings (and mornings) that they truly were. 

Find a modest bathing suit

I found two! And while they don't fit like they were made for my body, they make me proud for trying. Modesty will never stop being a good challenge. 

Journal more during Bible-reading

I think so. I usually jot down daily thoughts or verses, but I could certainly commit to it more. But more on that later.

Get elbow-length hair

Guys. I got SO close! I've been really into long hair this year. The progress was impressive.

I recently got it trimmed and put in some layers, so it has a bit of catching up to do, but I expect to reach mermaid status for sure by 2016. 

Be happy with the college I choose

This one is a resounding yes. Everything that's happened since coming to Gordon has confirmed over and over that this is where I'm supposed to be. I connect with the people, the professors are so wise and kind, the campus is beautiful, and I'm growing so much. Never thought I'd say this(and the fact that I can say it says a lot), but I doubt even Stanford could have been as perfect. 

Go on more adventures

Overall, definitely. College does that. But I think I also became a little more fearless this year, which has shown itself in many areas and which I'm pretty glad about. 

Keep in touch with the important people

Not as much as I would have liked, but I did my best. I realized over the last semester how few people in my life were truly important. Besides my family, I really only have a chosen few that I value enough to make the effort for. But those are the best people. 

Continue to not swear 

Oops. Never thought I'd fail on this one. It freaked me out when I heard people swearing casually at a Christian college, and after the shock faded I found myself slipping up with alarming frequency. It's fizzling out somewhat, and taught me something about the weight you can choose to give words. I'm still figuring out the weight of mine. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well. That was a journey. It's weird how fast a year goes by, but when it's over and I look back, SO much happened. Anyways.

Normally, I do a simple list of ten resolutions every year that vaguely spans over the main aspects of my life, but this year I'm doing something different. The past six months have really been about spiritual growth for me, and more and more I find that the thing I want most is just to love the Lord with everything I have. So this year my resolutions are based on the greatest commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Which for me means:

Heart: Relational goals

Mind: Mental goals

Soul: Spiritual goals

Strength: Health goals

So:

2015 Resolutions

Heart:

Keep in regular contact with important friends

Call family often (once every week or two, ideally)

Initiate one-on-one hangouts with those I care about

Mind:

Read some new books that aren't for school

Ace a difficult class that isn't for theater

Learn a new skill (musical, domestic, technological, or otherwise.)

Soul:

Keep up daily devotionals

Start giving financially on a regular basis

Pray with others (whether they're friends or not)

Don't compromise on purity (in speech, dress, or conduct)

Strength:

Go to the gym or do solo workouts more often

Eat healthier (i.e. more fruits and veggies)

Take some hiking/biking/boating outdoor trips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phew. That looks more extensive when they're all written out like that. But I'm confident. As long as my greatest aim is to love God, I've accomplished all I need to.