Sweetest Downfall

I wish (as usual) that life was like a movie. But it's not.

In the movies, honest motives and deep emotion are their own excuses, and "doing what's right" is boring.

But in the real world, I can't afford to throw logic to the wind and drop everything for a who-knows-but-who-cares. I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. But that's not me. I always do the right thing. Because in the end, it is the right thing.

I always feel for the characters in movies that are faced with decisions that will hurt people they care about. But I still yell at them through the screens. Just tell them! I think. Tell them that you're only doing this for their own good! Don't hurt them and not tell them why. 

I'd never do that. 

And yet here I am, hurting people in the name of doing the right thing. Being the monster that has to be the one to do it even when they don't want to.

And the one who then walks away crying.

I really shouldn't have judged those movie characters.

Dear Marco Beltrami,

Of course. You genius.

How could I not have seen it before?

Here I was replaying and rewinding and it was right there. And though your glorious concoction of strings does wonders for my overactive, cinematic imagination, at the end of the two minutes and three seconds it's just sound. I'm still just sitting at my computer or huddled under my covers, and haven't really just experienced the pure magic I saw played out behind closed eyelids.

I guess it took that many replays for me to finally recognize that the very title is telling me to do what the whole thing has me wanting.

Sorry for taking so long to catch on.

Dear Inevitability,

If you've had enough say when...

Dear Churning Stomach,

What, are you surprised? It all went, surprisingly, almost exactly as you imagined.

Well, right up until the very last moment.

But who were we kidding?
You couldn't have handled it anyway.

Losing My Victoria's Virginity

So I took a trip to Victoria's Secret yesterday. Yes, for the first time.

What?

Anyways, the moral of the story is that my time was divided between gaping around and whispering, "This is a beautiful place", dropping my umbrella and 5 other bags everywhere, accidentally pulling out the drawers of $60 lingerie, squeezing the memory-foam linings of everything, and basically not acting like the sexy babe that store promises to make you.

But hey, I walked out with that little telltale pink bag (pictures of which were quickly Snapchatted to a female friend for proof) and a free fragrance sample, so I called it a win.

To the Man With My Future Last Name,

The fact that you will replace my father for the spot of "#1 Guy in Abby's Life" is nothing short of spectacular. If there's one thing I cannot wait to shake my head in wonder at, it's you sitting at my kitchen table, sharing a cold one with my dad and chuckling over the corniest of jokes.

It's that kind of picture that gets me through nights like these.

Because it's absolutely disheartening to have to trudge through all these years of cringe-worthy interrogations, several maybes, and worst of all, plain old waiting.

But it's incredibly relieving to think that one day, the man who has to meet and ask every guy friend I hang out with where we're going, who's driving, and what time we'll be back... will one day give his full approval to someone like you.

But just to help you out:
-He love, love, loves golf.
-He doesn't like clutter on the stairs.
-The day of the Fantasy Football Draft is set-apart for nothing else.
-If you see his sunglasses anywhere besides his head, return them. He's probably looking for them.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. If you see this, know that I've witnessed a pretty impressive example of a man.

But I'm sure you will amaze as well. :-)

To the Thief of My Sleep,

If we could write each other's secrets onto pages,
and place those well-read journals back into each other's hands,
who would hold a thicker volume?

My Mental State, in Gifs

Around most people: 





During conversations: 





By myself:

Us Humans

Something I'm learning a lot lately: It becomes impossible to make assumptions about someone (or judge them) when you've heard their stories and seen their pain. 

This became incredibly relevant at Younglife camp, where during cabin time we would all share what was going on in our lives, and where we needed God to step in. Everyone opened up, and we all got to hear some heavy stories. Heck, I talked about things I swore I wouldn't bring to the table.

The whole time, I felt a mixed sense of amazing companionship with these girls while also being incredibly convicted. Half of these people I'd judged before! Or at the very least, I'd seen them in school and thought, wow, they just have it all together, don't they. 

But no one does!

In fact, some of these girls had looked at me and thought the same things.
Me. As if anyone could think I have my ducks in a row.

I'm amazed at the fact that the more I get to know the things my friends aren't proud of, the more I respect them. I judge them less. It isn't the other way around! Because now I see them in a more relatable light. Once we realize that we're all in the same boat- that we all have broken places in us- it's impossible not to love them even more.

I find this especially mind-blowing when it's people that I look up to. You know the ones. The people we all aspire to be like. The ones that exude this aura of self-assurance, or in some cases, God-assurance. Nothing can phase them.

But then you see them in their low moments too, and it's like the universe just hiccuped or something.

Wait, they're human too? 

Weirdly, it's not a loss-of-faith moment for me. It's relieving! And humbling. They've been there to see my screwups; the least I can do is be there to love them in theirs.

To Honesty, A Third Time

With some people, long stretches of silence can be awkward. Disconcerting. But it wasn't like that. I mean, at least not to me.

It was kinda nice to just sit there occasionally and not say anything.

I was so afraid that it would quickly turn into a solid hour or more of small talk. Hearing an actual voice can scare away the urge to be honest.

But it didn't!
In some ways, it was the deepest one yet. Look at us, expressing emotion.

And as always when I talk on the phone, I'm forever grateful that no one could see my face.

Because I made some pretty epic faces during those few hours. Terrified ones. Excited ones. Thoughtful ones. A few sly smiles.

As much as I would love a late-night jaunt to Waffle House any day, it too would be frightening at first.

Because as a voice is more daring than typed words, a face is more dangerous than a voice.

But every great thing starts out a little scary, doesn't it? 


Can we do it again?

The Most Cliche Post of the Month

So I was nominated for a Liebster Award.

For those that have never heard of it (myself included), I'm pretty sure it's this thing designed to introduce bloggers to other new bloggers. So I was tagged as a blogger with under 60 followers (duh) to do these questions about myself and then tag 10 other blogs as my nominees. Thing is, I don't even know of 10 bloggers. Sad I know.
So I'll just do the questions for fun.

Sue me.

1. What is your biggest ambition that you want to do/achieve in life.
I could say acting professionally, or publishing a novel, or even wingsuit jumping, but honestly, it's just to live the life God has planned for me. And find the perfect husband, to be honest.

2. If you could travel through time, would you travel forwards or backwards in time and why?
Probably backwards. I always wish that I could go back and change something stupid I said, or even just be with people that I took for granted before. So I'd relive some favorite memory, or befriend somebody, or something.

3. What one thing do you love most about planet earth and why?
Nature. I love watching the show Planet Earth (yeah, yeah) because it captures so nicely the wonder of creation. Earth in her natural habitat and all. 

4. What is the happiest memory you can remember?
No clue. I was asked this fairly recently. I think I said the weeks before I left Okinawa, when I was with my friends, but I can't pick one. It's more the people I was with. Isn't it always?

5. What film do you think represents your life the best?
What kind of question is that? My life can't be contained in some stereotypical story. Hollywood makes movies based off of my life. It's way too complicated for a movie that's already been made. 

6. If you could only eat one type of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Fruit, because it's got variety, and is healthy but delicious. And juiceable. But my favorite food is pasta. 

7. What is the funniest joke you know?
Puns in general. I geek SO hard. 

8. Describe what your perfect date would be. Ugggghhhhhhhh fine.
Someone comes to my house in a button-down and says we're gonna hang out. He takes me to get some type of food. Maybe it's just ice cream. We sit someplace talking. Maybe we do something adventurous. We listen to awesome music in the car. He drops me off and kisses me on the cheek and isn't afraid to text me afterwards to ask when we can hang out again. 
*dies of cliches*

9. What is the one thing you cannot live without and why?
Christian fellowship. If I go too long without people who encourage me to keep living for what's most important to me, life gets a lot more difficult. But when I have it, it's so life-giving. 

10. If you had one wish, (and you can't wish for more wishes), what would you wish for?
The power of flight. Since I was 7, that's been it. I'd instantly have a way to escape, a way to see people, a way to have my own perfect secret. 

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Well, that was fun. And really hard. Thanks to Jordan, from the UK for nominating me. How did you find my blog, anyway?

Musical Thank-Yous

Read it, guys, You may be mentioned in here.

Been meaning to do this post for a while, so heck.

My taste in music is relatively diverse, but not near where I want it. (In fact, I could REALLY use some new music right now.) But I am proud of a few things, such as:

-My 19 playlists, each for different moods/scenarios
-The artists I've found on my own and introduced people to
-Sleeping At Last is MY band. No one else has ever heard of them, and when someone has, I think I'll marry them. Not kidding.
-The absolute brilliance I've found through film soundtracks/scores

But to be honest, most of the best artists are always found through other people. So I need to thank the following people for bringing various music into my life.

Joie Darretta- my beautiful cousin, thank you for introducing me to Mat Kearney. Ships In The Night will forever be a jam, and loving Mat has helped me bond with so many others. Also, Sweet Disposition.

Kaleb Feltner- Changing by the Airborne Toxic Event. Also, the earlier Passion Pit.

Coree Stuart- WHERE TO BEGIN. Songs: Punching In A Dream, Take A Walk, 40 Day Dream, Whistle For The Choir, New Shoes, You and I, Hand Hold, Tongue Tied, You Always Make Me Smile, Worried Shoes (okay, your entire CD). Artists: Spoon, MGMT, I'm sure there's more.

Sarah Labanc- Your adventure music. New Earth by Zerbin, Bon Iver, Whirring by The Joy Formidable, He Is We, the songs on your tumblr, The Kooks... you are so musically diverse it kills me.

Cody DeVries- I'll Follow You Into The Dark. Enough said.

Bailey Lisk- That song called Bailey. Gah.

Common Ground- All of my current worship music.

The men of Common Ground- Downfall of Us All by A Day To Remember. *headbangs*

Alex Mutuc- The Avett Brothers, Iron and Wine. Okay, I only checked them out because you were into them, but boy am I a fan now.

Bethany West- The Vespers, Tender Love by Carl Cartee. Gah, the feels.

Phoenix Underwood- Gravity Rides Everything. Confession: I never got into any more Modest Mouse, but that song has stuck with me and helped the way it does for you. Also: Can You Tell by Ra Ra Riot and The Real of It by Said the Whale.

Ethan Duffy- Love Love Love by Avalanche City(oh my gosh it gets me). The Girl by City and Colour. Question by the Old 97's. Trapstep. Any song you showed me, I ended up loving. THE FEELS. And when you said you liked How He Loves...*shivers*

ABC's Castle- Pearl Jam, Jules Larson, Junior Senior, MoZella, so much more.

Winnie The Pooh, the movie- Somewhere Only We Know, and hence, Keane. Still my favorite ever.

Erik Olson- Mumford and Sons. I'd heard them, but hearing your performance of Where Are You Now got me really enthusiastic about their full albums.

Wendy Nguyen- Your use of Tim McMorris' songs in your videos got me into his (published) music. You're famous, so you'll never read this, but still.

Olivia Parvin- Owl City. I wouldn't be nearly as enthusiastic about him as I am now without your love of Adam Young. Also: The Hush Song, Helicopter by Branches (OH MY GOODNESS PERFECTION), half the songs on your blog.

Charissa Gerke- Your use of the song The King Beetle On The Coconut Estate by Mewithoutyou in your sermon was so, SO unique. It remains the most obscure yet meaningful song I have yet to hear, ever. (Hint: the fire in the song represents Christianity.)

Rachel Sumuray- Lindsey Stirling. Oh my gosh, now I'm obsessed.

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There are so many more. And honestly, the majority of my music/artists are from movies. 500 Days of Summer, Warm Bodies, etc.

But if you are on here, thank you. For culturing my life a little more. Keep it up.

Perspective

I watched a documentary called "The Shadow of the Moon" about the Apollo 11 mission with my family, and to be honest, I teared up a couple times. I highly recommend it. It told the whole landing-a-man-on-the-moon story from the perspective of the astronauts, who are now in their eighties. So cool.

But it also reminded me how small Earth is. A couple of the astronauts had some really good quotes at the end about how seeing the earth from space made them more appreciative of how fortunate we are to live on it, and how suddenly, terrestrial problems don't seem as significant when you've had a (literally) cosmic view of them.

It reminded me of this picture. It's of Earth, taken from a satellite that was really far away.

Look at that one more time and tell me again how the thing you're worrying about is so important. 

That is all.