The Beginning of The End...Or Is It?

A tiny part of me secretly wonders if the end of the world will really happen, and in fact almost hopes it does. Because it would be a great opportunity to really find out what great and terrible things I'm capable of doing before I die.

So with that in mind, here are some things that I want to get done within the next 365 days, apocalypse or no apocalypse.

#1. Go one month with no makeup. Without caring too much.

#2. Have my first kiss. Or don't have it. But make up my mind whether I want it or not.

#3. Talk about God with people of 3 different religions, and plant a couple seeds while I'm at it.

#4. Cross off a couple of the higher items on my bucket list.

#5. Do something really, really bold.

#6. Get in great physical shape. Finishing a mile (or two) would be a good start.

#7. Read the Bible so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO much, that I know it inside out.

#8. Wear clothes that make me excited to get up and go to school.

#9. Keep my room really clean. (Hey, it's not much, but it's a start.)

#10. Find one really great guy. Even if that's as far as I get.

Hey, if we're gonna die, might as well go out with a bang, right?

So there you have it. My checklist for the (possibly) last year of my life. 

Oh Happiness

Okay. Scratch that last post. Way to look stupid after posting that, Abby.

Of course, the day after I release my pent-up feelings to the world in a rare burst of self-absorbed emotions, good things WOULD start happening. Not that I'm complaining, 'course. :)

Look what I did!

Who would've thought I'd have such good times with such great people. Yes, it was only one day of fun. And they do it all the time. But it was a dew-sprinkled ray of hope through my shadowed, cobwebby abyss of despair. 

It was a sign!!!!!

Okay, so I'm being melodramatic. But it did come impeccably-timed, so I was grateful for a fun day of adventure and exploration through the beaten paths of Okinawa. I was so joyful, in fact, that I screamed by best friend's name at the top of my lungs, because I wished she could be there to experience it. That's not something, or someone, that I take lightly, my friends, and neither should you. :)

To end on a fun note....

YIPPEE-KYE-YAY

Battles with the Green-Eyed Monster

Let me just begin by saying that I am fully aware that I am a sinful, selfish human.

Now.

You know that feeling. Where no matter what you do, or who you do it with, or what you say to yourself, you're still alone? There's no word for that.

It's one thing to watch a bunch of couples stroll past and feel sorry for yourself because you're the ONLY ONE without a boyfriend. *rolls eyes* Give me a break. This is way worse than THAT "alone" feeling. It comes when you see what feels like hundreds of cute statuses about best friends and what feels like thousands of even cuter "best friend" pictures everywhere and wish so desperately that it was YOU who had someone to look photogenic with and have adventures with and take pictures with. But your best friend is thousands of miles away, and they're so busy being with each other every freaking SECOND that no one here has time for you.

You know that feeling?

When you want so desperately to scream how bored and lonely you are, but you don't want to seem socially awkward and desperate, and for some incomprehensible reason you are just so infuriated every time you hear about how much they enjoy each other's company. ONLY each other's company. Not yours. Not anyone else's. What if I want to be friends too? Why does that infuriate me?

You know that feeling?


When every time you see yet another cute reminder of people being such "best friends", you are THIS close to reminding them that they won't be together for much longer, what with life and all, and maybe they might want to see other people every once in a while, so that their life doesn't fall apart when it's too late, but then you want to punch yourself in the face for thinking such volatile, sniveling, manipulative thoughts. And even though you remind yourself that they do include you, they DID include you once, the immediate stinging aftermath is that it was a brief glimpse of what they do with each other all the time, and that it's not the same if you're there.

They'd much rather be with each other than with you. 

You know that feeling? 

December 25th

I had this post all planned out, how I was going to do some angst-y teenage thing and post about my feelings.

But that's not really what today is about, is it.

It's about....this. 

I can't compete with that. 

The person who created this

made Himself this.

That pretty much sums it up right there. As for little ol' me, she's pretty darn grateful. 

Winter Adventure

Dear World,

Thanks for being awesome. Really.

Ice skating was an absolute blast. The next two days were just as fantastic.

Now. Here comes one of those inevitable times where it's handy to know that only select people will ever read this blog. To all you favored readers, what's said in this blog stays in this blog. (Or between us, or whatever.)

This is what goes through my mind as I rush across the ice.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a figure balanced on the ice, trying not to fall as he is lying in wait. I clutch the stolen knit cap in my beanie pocket and grin with giddy glee. Picking up speed, I fly past other skaters, closer, closer still. And then we collide. My sleeve is snatched and I whip around at the speed of light. He pins my arms and squeezes me tightly from behind in an awkward hug. I pretend to try and squirm free, while secretly in heavenly bliss at the fact that this is probably the closest I'll ever be to him. He makes desperate grabs at my hoodie pocket for the beanie, but I elude him and streak out of his grip to the other side of the rink. The chase continues off and on until the end of the trip, when he admits that he didn't want to tackle me again and risk slamming me once again down on the ice. I want so badly to admit that I didn't mind in the least.

Ah, winter.
The adventures continued the next day. The lovely Coree called my house at 9:45am, proposing a trip to a great offbase park. A day followed that will remain in my adventurous daydreams forever. We, along with the ever-present Sarah and Cody, romped through jungle terrain, down huge rollerslides, and through jungle-gym netting of Japanese playgrounds. At a balmy 73 degrees, it did NOT feel like winter. So we headed down to the Kinser docks. Between portapotty hunting and construction-dodging, just getting to the end of the 30-foot concrete docks was an adventure in itself. Sarah and Cody leaping off the huge docks into the waves below was just the icing on the cake.

The best part?

After months of seeing creative and fun-filled photos on Facebook, I admit. I was jealous. All 3 of them have had plenty of photoshoot adventures, and it doesn't help that Sarah's camera makes everyone look flawless somehow.

And it's always only Sarah and Coree, or occasionally Sarah and Cody, that ever, EVER get to be in these legendary photos.
It's like an unspoken code, or club, or something. To be included in any adventure-y photo with these people felt like an honor or something. I felt, for the first time in a while, accepted.
Included.
Loved.
Valued.

The past few days have been great.

The Annual Day of Gift-Giving

Yesterday was awesome.

Okay, when they say it is better to give than to recieve, they're right. Listen to them. Whoever 'they' are, they've stumbled upon a valuable secret.
Not to flip my own hair, but I like to think I'm pretty awesome at gift-giving. I'm not satisfied with just opting out for jewelry or a gift-card if I can't think of anything. Or if I do give jewelry or a gift card, it's for a reason. But just walking through the store, with the essence of a specific person in mind, then having a brilliant vision come upon me, sparked by a nearby item, brings me such joy.

So yesterday was the last day before winter break. And that means a whole day of constant surprising and joy-giving.

Such. Fun!

My favorite reactions were probably Coree's and Alicia's. Not only were they surprised, they were overjoyed. Apparently I picked the right things for them. Oh, and Sarah. She was so excited that she insisted in starting Far East Drama practice with reading aloud her new children's book. :)

So after all that, I got to gift-wrap people's presents for them for 4 hours. It wasn't boring. It was so much fun to make things look nice in cheap, shiny paper and ribbons and I felt such a sense of joy and Christmas spirit.

So, all this is to convey to the world my absolute exuberance of the fact that Christmas is only
 8 days away!!!!!

When It's Not Just A Joke Anymore

I'm really, really, lucky.

No, really. I have parents that I like, a physical appearance that I'm at peace with, friends that have never stabbed me in the back, good grades, and I've never once come close to doing bad things to others or myself.

What's wrong with me????


Everyone else seems to have anywhere from one to all of the above problems. Do they feel superior to me? Inferior to me? Jealous of me? Should I be jealous of them?

And now I'm on the Far East Drama Team, and I'm playing a suicidal girl who kills herself with a razor, and...and...

I don't know what that's like to be depressed. And some people in the room with me might. 

So I could go one of two ways with this. Be the best actor I can and IMAGINE what it's like.....or do a wild method acting thing and start thinking of "safe" ways to "pretend" to mess up my life.

I'm actually leaning toward option B. And that scares me a little. Because while I'm not actually serious about wanting to kill myself or hurt others, what if that's what it ends up becoming? Or maybe other people who ACTUALLY struggle with this kind of stuff think that I'm disrespecting them and their struggles? That's not at ALL what I want to do.

So what's a normal, sheltered girl to do. I can't just laugh it off and joke about it because for some people, it's not just a joke. It's real.

Injuries, Alaska, and Christmas

Today has been a success, I should think. Nothing truly significant happened. I didn't have my first kiss or break a bone. I flew around the exchange looking for Christmas presents for friends. Went home. Wrapped said presents. Performed surgery on a stuffed animal. (It was for a present! Don't ask.) Cleaned the shreds of ribbon, wrapping paper, and stuffing off my floor. Went to youth group.

Ah, youth group. 


Stood outside in the frigid weather discussing Alaskan natives, theme parks, and NFL football. When I say frigid, I mean 59 degrees. Give or take. Ate lasagna and got dragged around in a warped version of amoeba tag combined with musical chairs. Sat with the underclassmen girls and discussed life. Watched guys hurt each other in the most brutal and hilarious ways imaginable. Tried to stay out of the way. Rode home with my other mother-she's Korean. :)

You can't tell me that's not a successful day.

I have a color-coordinated stack of presents to give sitting in my room. My head is full of thoughts about Alaska and ice-skating. I have 6 hours before I get to wake at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am to go sit around a bunch of Marines and watch them scream like little girls at the Army/Navy football game.

GO NAVY BEAT ARMY. :D

The Perks and the Drawbacks

Hmm. Me? Creating a blog? Unheard of. Normally, the obscure part of me would be shrugging it off and saying that a blog is way too mainstream. But then Coree Stuart, ever the trendsetter, made a fabulous one.

Gah, peer pressure. But I do like the idea of being able to publish things and feel accomplished.

It's ironic. Normally, you want to publicize a blog, right? Only, thing is, I know people won't read this. That's strangely comforting. It's like a fancy, electronic diary. Only more pleasing to the eye. Yes, I will get a couple devoted friends that will check to read my musings. But the ones that care enough to do so are the ones I won't be writing implicating things about. And my secrets are safe with them.

See how that works? 


So we're going to try this and see how it works. Hah. I say "we". In actuality, I'M the one trying it. Well, and Coree. Love you pal.

~Me