All About Us

Every heart in the room will melt

This is a feeling I've never felt

500 Days of Summer

Yes, I am fully aware this is a movie title.

It's interesting though, because this title encompasses everything I want to convey. I am, in fact, going to watch this movie in a few hours. I've always wanted to. Well, ever since I heard of its brilliance and saw the trailer:

And in other respects, I just wish this summer could last around 500 days. 

200 days here, with the people that I love, jumping off the seawall and watching movies and having bonfires and feeling loved and safe.

100 days with my cousins in California, my 14 best friends, not including aunts and uncles, that have always been the best place in the world to me.

50 days with the North Carolina family, not because I love them any less, but because there's only 3 of them, and after a while it starts to become one big babysitting job. But I never tire of the swing at my grandma's house, or driving the golf cart around the mountain on which my grandpa resides. Those moments are where I'd like to stay. 

10 days at Bush Gardens, because I haven't been to an amusement park in America since I was a kid.

140 days in Virginia, unpacking, exploring, and hopefully adjusting. Choosing junior year classes, getting a job at the coffee shop down the road, maybe even meeting people. 

That would be a summer worth spending. As it is, this one is looking way too short.

But I am excited to see the movie. :)

We Are Young

So someone come

and carry me home...

 For some reason, I feel the need to dance with someone while this song is playing.

The Prince's Secret

Once upon a time...

There was a princess whose father was the king of his kingdom. She'd had a prince or two ask for her hand, not that she wanted them. Over in a neighboring kingdom, there was a prince whose father was also a king. He heard tale of the princess from afar and traveled to seek her hand. Though his confession of love was beautiful, genuine, and should have been quite moving, the princess refused him. She did not want to get married, she said. There was so much to enjoy without the possible burden of marriage. Though he was crushed, the prince obliged. But instead of returning to his own kingdom, he stayed in the land of the princess and accompanied her whenever she took walks through the land. 

After a time, the prince and the princess became dear friends. One day, as they were walking, the prince finally confessed that if they were going to remain friends, he must tell her something. A terrible, dark secret that he feared might tear them apart forever. He warned the princess that it might make her reluctant to remain friends. Though the princess protested that nothing could sever the bond they'd created, she was inwardly troubled at what this might be. 

Finally, the prince confessed. 

Deep in the forests of the kingdom, there was a garden. Though quite pleasing to the eye, this garden contained flowers that were poisonous to humans. Their smell was so overpowering, however, that it enchanted those who visited it and made them long to return. The princess had heard tale of this garden, and even known those who visited it. It was a terrible place merely disguised as a soothing oasis. All those who became trapped by the flowers' smell were forever condemned to remember it. 

The prince had indeed visited this garden, an act no prince of his character should have done. In fact, he admitted to the princess that he used to visit it regularly, even daily. At last, however, he had forced himself to stay away. He avoided the forest altogether and had successfully evaded the garden for months now. Though the princess was a bit saddened at the prince's mistake, she was relieved his wasn't something ridiculous, like that he'd tried any dark magic or killed a man. She forgave him immediately and promised to not let this prevent her from ever coming to him for help.

Eventually, the princess' father's reign came to an end. A new era was beginning, and the royal family would have to relocate to a small patch of countryside that was, in fact, quite near the prince's kingdom. To celebrate his illustrious reign, the king held a magnificent banquet, and all the princess' friends were invited, including the prince. 

When he arrived, the princess happily went to meet him. However, her face immediately fell. There was something very wrong about his demeanor; he was sullen, brooding and melancholy. This was not like him at all. Then, all of a sudden, she knew. 

The prince had been to the garden. She could practically smell the poison of the flowers that still remained on him. The spell of their scent was still overpowering him, and he was deep in their grasp even still. As a result, he withdrew from the festivities and hardly said a word. 

In spite of herself, the princess found herself angry. If the prince hadn't wanted to come, then he shouldn't have. Let him spend all his time in that garden, she thought, but don't spoil everyone else's happiness. 

As the night was drawing to a close, the spell of the poisonous flowers was finally releasing its grasp on the prince, and his mind started to clear. He began to interact with those around him, and whispered a somber confession to the princess that he had indeed visited the garden for a short time on the way to the castle. 

Though she graciously accepted his admittance without a strong reaction, the princess was heartbroken inside. After all this time, she had been almost positive he'd never go back to that horrible place. He'd promised her. He'd declared a state of finality in his visits, and she could finally feel safe. But all that had now changed. She would have withdrawn from the commotion to mourn this loss alone, but she felt it was important that she stay and say a proper farewell to all the guests. She stood by quietly as the prince regained his mind from the spell and began to finally enjoy himself, weeping only on the inside.

The night was almost over at last. The last of the guests were departing, and a mixture of sorrow at their goodbyes and joy at their company filled the princess' heart. The prince had left some time ago, as it was a long journey back to his kingdom, and he was to meet her there when her family came. The stars came out, and the princess was sitting by a window, thinking, when a dove descended from the sky with a piece of parchment rolled up and clasped in its beak. It landed beside the princess on the windowsill, and, surprised, she took the message and unrolled it slowly. 

Inside, in neat, curving script, the prince had written her a note. She read for the second time his declaration of love, and her heart softened. For now, after all their long walks and strengthened bonds, his words to her were even more heartfelt and genuine. The princess was speechless and incredibly moved. In that moment, she knew that no matter what happened, nothing would break the friendship they had. No poisonous scent could mask his love for her, and she would always be grateful for his companionship. 

Whether they lived happily ever after remains to be seen. 

Today

Ah. At long last. Freedom.

I have finally put aside my fears and sadness at leaving this school and decided to bask in the glow and promise of an eventful-looking summer.

And for a first day, this kicked it off magnificently.

I was bold. Spontaneous, even.

Despite my fears of diving, high jumps into unknown water, and worst of all, being in a bathing suit, I leaped off the seawall, swam out to a 20-foot pole and jumped off, and even pretended I looked good wet. I wore sunglasses and laughed hard and enjoyed for possibly the last time in a long while, the wonderful ocean. 

I hosted the campfire to end all campfires. 

Throwing paper into the stinging smoke and watching all my friends do the same filled me with such a sense of belonging. Then laying in the grass and singing softly, signing one last yearbook, eating melty marshmallows and again, watching everyone around me experience that same joy, this sense of warmth and bonding swelled up inside me and I could hardly contain my happiness. 

I felt loved, really loved. 

Finally, I got to have one of those hugs that picks you up and swings you around. I got to give lots of hugs and get them, too. There's a difference between someone giving you a hug and giving one yourself. You can feel it. For once, I actually got more than I gave. I know not everyone out there is a hugger, but to bury my face in someone's shoulder and feel their literal warmth just melts me inside. We sat around and unloaded our deepest friendships with each other and as everyone was almost gone, I shared a lawn chair with a dear friend, which is something that I will never forget, that I never imagined would happen. Just thinking back to re-feel all the warm embraces and arms around my shoulders brings a smile to my entire being.

I finished well.

I feel so satisfied saying that. For those people that I will never see again, I have a great day to look back on and cherish. And to those that I will, I can hope for chances to do it again. Maybe in a week. Maybe a year down the road. But for the first time, I can feel a little bit satisfied at my time here. 

I took a good walk.

As a perfect way to end the night in almost-solitude, Cody and I traversed the lonely streets of Plaza and talked about the future. Mine, his, everyone's that will all change soon. We unpacked the backpacks of questions we had about life and just pondered. Even though we will see each other again, I got to say my real goodbye to the senior who taught me how to be in high school without being sucked in. It was every bit as meaningful as my freshman dreams anticipated. 

And now, as I finish this at a incredible 1:45 am, I am thunderstruck at how rare this is. Not only the fact that I, a mere, lowly, once-homeschooled little girl, am in fact staying up late, texting, and having what might be considered a social life, but that all of these wonderful friendships are deep and real and will last. Today has made this place last.

Needing is One Thing, But Getting's Another

But there ain't much that's dumber

Than pinning your hopes on a change in another

First song of Summer 2012. Rock on, kid.

A Mental Battle

How a conversation between both sides of my emotions might look after an aspect of today.

So how do you feel about this?


I don't know. I'm confused, and I'm shocked, but underneath I'm just really sad.

Why?


I don't know. When I think about why, I feel like a really selfish person who doesn't deserve what she had.

Had?


Yeah. 'Cause now I feel like I've lost it.

You haven't lost it.


Basically. Because now, wherever I am next, that belongs to someone else. Not me.

Not really. Not belongs, anyway.


Well, I guess I'd gotten so used to assuming that I didn't have to worry about losing it, and, and...it was....

What?


It felt really good to know that I'd be cared about.

You've still got that.


Do I?

Yeah. You do. 


I don't know if I will ever completely believe that anymore. At the very least, I'm not the only one.

Did you want to be?


See, that's where I feel selfish.

You probably won't have anything to worry about in a couple days.


I'm not so sure.

Why?


Because it could happen again. All this time I had no idea. Almost like everything has been a lie.

It hasn't.


I hope not.

So why won't things be different in a couple days?


Because things like that don't just CHANGE because it's convenient. They stay for a while.

What's the problem with that?


I don't have a while. In fact, I have practically no time at all. And in a couple months, I'll need it back.

It'll probably need you.


Maybe.

You underestimate.


Maybe I just have a hard time trusting now.

You haven't been betrayed. Don't be so dramatic.


I just need to stop believing in things too much.

Maybe you're not the center of the universe, hmm?

You're right. I'm not.

Woah There

It's not until I am out of the movie theater, have changed out of my dress, and wash the popcorn grease out of my hair do I realize with a jolt:

Hold up. I just went on a double date.

What?!

Okay, technically, it was more of a group hangout in which I just happened to have my movie ticket paid for by someone else so that two FRIENDS could have more people to hang out with. 

But still.

Does this mean I'm growing up???

'Cause that's a scary thought.

The Beginning of the End

At long last, we have arrived.

The last day of normality, the end of the good days and the beginning of the ones I tried to forget were coming. I'd forgotten what these days were going to feel like. 

Now I know there's a reason I forgot.

And so I stare one last time at our den full of couches and carpet, my room full of pictures and familiar bedding, the kitchen full of dishes and paper, and the house itself, full of that feeling I never thought I'd get back: Home. 

Tomorrow that will be gone, leaving only the necessary clothes, government furniture, bare walls, and suitcases, the telltale sign of change for me. So I'm going to stay away for as long as possible. I'm going to hide at someone else's house and prolong that awful moment when I have to come home to a home that's forever gone from me. 

Funny, I never expected it to end like this.

I mean, I knew I'd be sad eventually. But given that my first year in this place was spent wishing I was back in the old one, I came to the subconscious conclusion that I'd invest just enough to hug a few and cry a little at the end, but be happy nonetheless.

Even last summer, I cried with joy at returning to the recurring familiarity of the homes of my grandparents and cousins. I loved the feeling of being there. Now, the very thought of being there makes me cry with sorrow. Because I know that once I'm there, I'll never come back here. The feeling of those places will mean the loss of this one. Which is a deep kind of sadness that is almost impossible to bear. 

But I made a promise to myself, that I wouldn't check out, or push people away, or draw back, but connect, plug in, and finish fully and well. And I did, and I still will. I'm engaging more fully than ever, up till the very end. But the reason people disengage towards the end, and don't dive in, is because it hurts. It hurts more than I can convey or even fathom myself. The act of strengthening bonds to their strongest just before they are severed is one of the most painful things a person can experience.

I never thought it would be so hard. 

It got so bad indoors that I had to escape and just walk. All over the last stretches of the neighborhood I now love. I kept trying to cry, to dislodge the lump in my throat. I paced, I threw a water balloons at trees and road, but it wasn't until I was on the last stretch of sidewalk on the main road that it hit me full force:

In time, this place, that I can feel under my feet and touch and smell and listen to, will become nothing more than a hazy picture, a dim memory, just like all the other ones, with no life or feeling behind it. There's no escaping that. It just happens over time. It was the hardest blow. I curled up in a ball right there on the sidewalk and cried. 

Because this is more than just happy memories, and good friends, and yummy asian food, and favorite places. This is my familiarity, my security blanket of normality, my comfortable, tiny little world. This is where I've done lots of my growing up, in every sense of the word. I've been taught so much and even taught things myself. I've become who I am right now, and I still feel as if I've got more growing up to do here before I start the cycle again. I'm not ready. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Dear King of Random Gestures,

You don't fully realize, but you mean a whole lot to me.

You have helped me so much in dealing with The Kid Who Has Not Yet Been Named, even though I know it pains you to do so. But you deserve to know how awesome you are. And guess what? Half the time, I'd prefer hanging with you anyway because you're always fun, and any deep talks that we do have allow me to still come away without carrying the world on my shoulders.

In fact, you relieve me of many burdens. That's hard to do.

I know I (and the others) give you much grief. But I hope you never take us too seriously, because it's purely out of our awesome love for you and your spontaneity. Don't change for me or anyone.

I will miss you dearly. More so than lots of my friends here that are really just acquaintances in disguise. Be assured that you are a true friend, and I hope you'll stay that way.