The Good, the Bad, the End

Well, I guess it's nearly the end. I feel like I'm army-crawling over the finish line of this summer, but I made it. I had some awesome times, and got some awesome laughs and pictures out of it, but I'd be lying if I said it was the best.

Many people who know me are aware of my opinions about returning to Stafford every summer, due largely to the fact that the few close friends I had in high school here have moved away, and I've never been able to find a job that didn't make me miserable (except for pet-sitting- I will never stop taking care of my neighbor's big dogs whenever they ask me... and loving it). So to be frank, with some specific exceptions, this summer was lonely, tired, and sometimes downright depressing. There it is. I can't pretend it was anything otherwise. I was forced to reach out to God day by day for strength and joy, and He showed up in cool ways and (as He does) provided me with exactly what I needed, right when I needed it.

But as I'm not Him, I still don't get His methods. I don't understand why every good job opportunity I had before or during this summer fell through or didn't pan out. I don't understand why every single friend I've had here has left at one point or another, leaving only me behind. I know that suffering produces endurance, and character, and hope, and that He knows my way when I don't...but that's about as far as I've got. Maybe that's as far as I'll ever get.

Either way, I'd rather recap some of the good that did happen.

I read the entire Harry Potter series for the first time, as well as a couple other great books.

I visited my family in California, and my older brother-like cousin Anthony took me to see the giant sequoias. It was a day packed full of so many things that I love: big trees, making fun of tourists, low-level hiking, trees, ice cream, reveling in nature, amazing photography opportunities, giant trees, spending time with Anthony, and did I mention the trees?

My dear friend Madison got married, and as a result I was in my first ever wedding. It was the bomb. I met some insanely amazing girls that were easy to befriend in a weekend, and watched Madison and her beloved exchange some seriously beautiful vows at a ceremony that made me cry with joy.

I finally achieved mermaid-length hair, you guys. I did it. It's been a long and tangly road. But we made it. 

I also went to the beach a couple times, and swam in my neighbor's pool enough times to get a decent tan (which I know I will appreciate when every day in London is rainy). Madi swam with me sometimes, and we pretended to play pool basketball and laughed until we almost drowned. Then we'd go to a fair, or a Korean spa, and live it up. She is the best person to be a kid with.

My roommate and I visited a couple times, and it was so, so sweet to get some one-on-one time with her at our respective houses before we both go abroad at separate times this next year. I realized just how much I love being a girl with her, and how wonderful it is that she is so unashamed about wanting to be a couch potato. I need that in my life.

And last and best of all, I hung out with Josh. A lot. We had countless adventures(I learned croquet! We rode 15 roller coasters in one day, all in the front row!), a couple epic road trips(using no GPS, only manual mapping), and awesome, awesome talks. He became my best friend even more than he already was.

I mean, come ON

But more than anything else, the bright spot of this summer was being able to look ahead. And that's what I want to talk about now. I'm studying at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art this fall semester (I leave in 12 days!), getting my certificate in Classical Acting, and I want to properly document my experiences living in one of the coolest cities in the world. So I'm taking this as my opportunity to officially close the door on this blog, and start a new one based around my travels this fall.

It's bittersweet. This blog has seen me through some of the best and absolute worst times in my life, and it's not exaggerating to say that writing here helped heal me many times. I've cultivated my love of writing, kept myself accountable to growth, measured important milestones, and processed deep sorrows and incredible joys on here. It will always be dear to me. But despite my deep resistance, I'm growing up, and it's time to start a new chapter. (I'm cringing just typing that.) 

If you have been reading this for most or all of these past 5 years, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Being able to hear people say that anything I wrote affected them positively was always such an encouragement, as was the knowledge that I may have been responsible for the genesis of several other blogs out there. I feel confident this little Blogspot is leaving a nice legacy behind. I will never forget the imprint this page, or you few precious readers, had on my life. 

*raises glass*

To the longest diary I ever kept. May its turmoil of emotional, heartwarming, sometimes-genuinely-mortifying ramblings always inspire me to write-and speak- the truth.

Signing off,

The Erdelatz Kid

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If you'd like to read my new blog, by all means, do (or don't- I'm never one for self-promotion). Here it is:

https://talesfrompaddenswickroad.wordpress.com 

On Flying

We stand up to begin the ordered shuffle through the gate. I scroll to my customary airplane boarding playlist (entitled "World Conquering" on Spotify), blast AC/DC through my earbuds and walk through the tunnel towards the plane as if it is one leading to my own personal arena. This is how I remind myself to be fearless when traveling alone. It always works.

There's a silently acknowledged etiquette to be silent, even in the sitting down and removing of jackets and replacing of laptops in overhead compartments. As of this moment, we are between worlds, not in them, and the hustle and bustle of our former and future lives has no place between the rows of oval windows.

For some reason, I always have the urge to cry the moment the front wheels lift and we are pulled into the sky from some invisible force above. Perhaps it is because this is when it hits me that in that moment, I am neither in the place from which I am coming, nor the one toward which I am traveling. I and the hundreds of people around me whose names and stories I do not know are in a world of our own, headed toward our own great mysteries for which none of us are prepared. I think this is always the first moment I realize I am never prepared. But for the next few hours, I am surrounded by people nothing like me and just like me, headed into the huge crisscrossed network of human stories, and for that time I am allowed to be alone and unprepared.

Minutes go by. Hours. Time slows and speeds up and slows again. I might stay curled forever in the cramped, quiet limbo of space between my armrests, my head and knees propped against the wall, songs passing mindlessly through my earbuds, fading in and out of sleep. But eventually, the gentle motion of the plane's descent reminds me how gravity sometimes feels like a mother softly shaking my shoulders, and I rise and fall on a lazy wave. I try to fight it, stay curled in my almost-comfortable position, but gradually the downward movements of the wave become less smooth, mixing with the dull roaring vibrations of the wheels opening and stretching toward our destination.

Our wheels collide with the rushing earth beneath us, bumping, and suddenly I am weightless, the forward inertia of the brakes lengthening my spine and pushing my body back to its upright and locked position. We glide into a gate. My eyes find the window next to me as the people around me begin to rustle back to life. In the distance, framed perfectly and shining against the black night, is the Capitol building.

Welcome home.

Chapter Two

It's been a while. Too long. So much has happened in such a short time since being back at Gordon, and I don't even know where to begin. Adventures! Friendships! Theater classes! Improv! Sophomore year hit the ground running.

Let's talk about the woods.

I've been spending a lot more time out here lately, thanks to my slightly lighter class schedule and awesome weather. There are so many more trails behind campus than I realized! Often, I'll go out in the morning only intending to find quiet nook to read in for an hour, only to stumble out mid-afternoon with pine needles and flowers in my hair, exhausted and happy, having discovered 3 new favorite spots. I'll explore, read, listen to music, and sometimes picnic. Occasionally I'll venture out with one or two adventure companions, but mostly I just explore on my own. It's awesome. 

Speaking of friends, I gained a whole new group when I made it onto Gordon's improv troupe, the Sweaty-Toothed Madmen! Seriously, these 8 people are the coolest; it's a privilege to be counted as one of them. Aside from the fact that they all have awe-inspiring talent and our rehearsals consist of dancing around onstage and pretending to be chicken farmers or dentists or royalty, they've all become like family to me immediately. We go on McDonald's runs at 1am and have photoshoots and a group text and movie nights. It's no big deal. 

Other than that, life is a lot of things. It's rehearsing in practice rooms for Musical Theater and sprinkling cinnamon on customer's drinks at Chester's. It's Monday night hot chocolates with Austin and Friday afternoon tea-and-reading-time on the beach with Josh and Merisa. It's making Cate and I's third-floor room in Wilson (affectionately dubbed The Birdhouse) look as adorable as humanly possible with coordinating comforters and fluffy pillows and yes, a tiny birdhouse that we are going to paint and hang on the door. It's letters from Madison at New Tribes and phone calls from Mom after class and new friends and old friends. It's the great exhilaration of starting new things and comfortable warmth from picking up old ones. 

In conclusion, sophomore year is the best and I can't wait for it to be cold. 

Oh, and here's the most recent awesome song I've found:

I love this feeling,

but I hate this part...

Saying Yes to I Don't Know

I had to do an end-of-year questionnaire for my major. These are some of the things I was asked:

   Have you begun a networking strategy for post-graduation? List individuals you have spoken to regarding your career.

   Do you have a personal artistic mission or purpose? What are some elements of that purpose? 

   At this point, what are your post-graduation plans? 

I panicked. Networking strategies? Mission statements? Plans?

At my delicate, barely-not-even-adult age, I am being asked these huge, big-picture type questions, and it makes me wonder if those should be the things that fill my head, because the things I think about on a daily basis are not big-picture. Today, I was walking back to my room and thought, I should pet a golden retriever today. And that was it. I didn't think about my "network." I just wanted to interact with a fluffy dog. That's who I am right now.

And that's okay.

I don't know where my life is headed. But God does. And right now, I'm just waiting for Him to let me in on little bits and pieces of it. I could become a freelance writer, I could become a professional golden retriever walker, I could land a role in the next Star Wars movie, or I could be a barista for the rest of my life and open a coffee shop/bakery/antique book store. Anything could happen, and that anything could be completely aligned with my idea of how my life should go, or it could be the exact opposite, which is more likely. Either way, I'm just happy to be along for the ride.

Lately I've been reading this book, and there was a chapter on saying yes to opportunities that God puts in our lives. The author said He often uses completely random and non-logical things to point us towards Him. Maybe we don't think we're qualified, but chances are there's a reason we're being asked to join into something, so we'd better not miss out on God's inexplicably cool plans. 

I want that. The adventure that comes from throwing the agenda out the window. I think I'm getting little tastes of it. The other day, I got asked to act in a sketch for my school's version of SNL. I had a free hour, so I did it. Earlier this month, I got asked to lead worship for my dorm's speaker series. I can play the ukulele and sing, so I did it. Then, someone asked if I could take pictures to be on posters around the school for someone's senior performance piece. I can take pictures. So I said yes. They were little things, things I like doing, and they didn't mess up anything on my schedule, so I said yes.

And then it hit me. What if God's pulling a Mr. Miyagi on me? What if He's starting out with small things, and then one day someone will come running up to me and ask me to do something I never thought I was capable of? Something that scares me and maybe even messes up my schedule. 

Will I say yes?

I hope so. I'd hate to miss out on His plans. They always end up being so much better. 

New Year, New List

I've started looking forward to doing these resolutions every year. Even if I don't accomplish every last one, the idea that I'm putting a few key goals in my mind for the next year gives me a sense of purpose. So, 2014. Let's see how you stacked up.

2014 Resolutions

Graduate with a GPA of 4.15

The final GPA was 4.21(4.19 unweighted). Woohoo! High enough to surpass my goal, not quite high enough to make Summa Cum Laude. But you know what, that's okay. It says I tried my best, but I didn't let academics define me, which is what I wanted. 

Get a date to senior prom

I sure did. I even outdid myself and went to two proms, and they remain happily frozen in my memory as the magical evenings (and mornings) that they truly were. 

Find a modest bathing suit

I found two! And while they don't fit like they were made for my body, they make me proud for trying. Modesty will never stop being a good challenge. 

Journal more during Bible-reading

I think so. I usually jot down daily thoughts or verses, but I could certainly commit to it more. But more on that later.

Get elbow-length hair

Guys. I got SO close! I've been really into long hair this year. The progress was impressive.

I recently got it trimmed and put in some layers, so it has a bit of catching up to do, but I expect to reach mermaid status for sure by 2016. 

Be happy with the college I choose

This one is a resounding yes. Everything that's happened since coming to Gordon has confirmed over and over that this is where I'm supposed to be. I connect with the people, the professors are so wise and kind, the campus is beautiful, and I'm growing so much. Never thought I'd say this(and the fact that I can say it says a lot), but I doubt even Stanford could have been as perfect. 

Go on more adventures

Overall, definitely. College does that. But I think I also became a little more fearless this year, which has shown itself in many areas and which I'm pretty glad about. 

Keep in touch with the important people

Not as much as I would have liked, but I did my best. I realized over the last semester how few people in my life were truly important. Besides my family, I really only have a chosen few that I value enough to make the effort for. But those are the best people. 

Continue to not swear 

Oops. Never thought I'd fail on this one. It freaked me out when I heard people swearing casually at a Christian college, and after the shock faded I found myself slipping up with alarming frequency. It's fizzling out somewhat, and taught me something about the weight you can choose to give words. I'm still figuring out the weight of mine. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well. That was a journey. It's weird how fast a year goes by, but when it's over and I look back, SO much happened. Anyways.

Normally, I do a simple list of ten resolutions every year that vaguely spans over the main aspects of my life, but this year I'm doing something different. The past six months have really been about spiritual growth for me, and more and more I find that the thing I want most is just to love the Lord with everything I have. So this year my resolutions are based on the greatest commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Which for me means:

Heart: Relational goals

Mind: Mental goals

Soul: Spiritual goals

Strength: Health goals

So:

2015 Resolutions

Heart:

Keep in regular contact with important friends

Call family often (once every week or two, ideally)

Initiate one-on-one hangouts with those I care about

Mind:

Read some new books that aren't for school

Ace a difficult class that isn't for theater

Learn a new skill (musical, domestic, technological, or otherwise.)

Soul:

Keep up daily devotionals

Start giving financially on a regular basis

Pray with others (whether they're friends or not)

Don't compromise on purity (in speech, dress, or conduct)

Strength:

Go to the gym or do solo workouts more often

Eat healthier (i.e. more fruits and veggies)

Take some hiking/biking/boating outdoor trips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phew. That looks more extensive when they're all written out like that. But I'm confident. As long as my greatest aim is to love God, I've accomplished all I need to. 

The Difference Between High School and College

Orientation ended back in late August and I was suddenly in the midst of that world that everyone talks about, the world that's the setting for many a film, the one I've heard will have the biggest impact on me than any other in my life. I don't know what I was expecting, but a few things have surprised me about it in the best way possible, and awakened me to the liberating reality that I do not miss high school one tiny bit. (Good thing I didn't get attached.)

-Staying up till 3 on a Tuesday night is a normality, but not because you're torturing yourself over homework. It'll be because your group spontaneously decided it was time for a Harry Potter marathon, or an impromptu trip for doughnuts and pizza before engaging in a high-stakes Nerf war in the dorm basement. Speaking of which...

-I have a group. I've never had a group before. I've had one or two friends in several different social spheres, but never a pack of my own. We have a group text to coordinate family dinners. What on earth?

-But that doesn't mean they're my only friends, either. I can't go anywhere without encountering at least 5 people that I have to say hi to and possibly hug, and how's their week going and that's a great sweater and we should hang soon and it was great to see you for the third time this week. By no means am I wildly popular, but I have more friends than I've ever had and it's kind of awesome.

-When you want to see someone, you can just... walk to their actual bedroom and start a conversation right where you left off the last one. I don't just go to school with these people. I live with them. They are intertwined into every aspect of my daily life, essentially making them my family. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I had the strange realization that outside of college, when you want to see a friend, you just have to... wait... until the next time you see each other.

-All those things that I cared about in high school? The completeness of every mundane homework assignment, whether or not so-and-so liked me or was mad at me or cared if I did anything, how impressive my transcript or extracurriculars looked? None. Of. It. Matters. No one talks about what scholarships they got, who was valedictorian or class president, or any of that. It's the best thing that could have happened, because I hated caring about that stuff to begin with.
Even to the most dedicated, high-stress college student, at the end of the day grades are just grades. 
Everyone understands that the things we remember about college won't be academic-related. For someone who's been an overachieving perfectionist their whole life, it's a freedom like no other.

-On a related note, all the prexisting requirements for "cool" are almost nonexistent. There is almost no fame attached to the members of student government, star athletes, people whose parents have a pool, the hot girls who have more friends than all the other girls. Being who you are is cool, and being different doesn't make you an outsider. It feels like a slap in the face to the people that "mattered" in high school for those other reasons, and for some sick reason I love it. I don't miss them.

-I don't even miss the kids I talked to every day, the ones I genuinely liked. Occasionally a faint memory of my few best friends comes to mind, and perhaps I wish they were with me, but that's it, because I don't want to leave where I am, even for them. Is that absolutely terrible? On the other hand, if I go a couple days without seeing my current friends, something feels horribly wrong. It's true what they say, about which friends you keep forever: it's the ones you meet in college.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When new people ask where I live, I don't say Virginia. I say Massachusetts. It's sort of unbelievable, but this is my home now. Which is problematic, since college is by definition an impermanent thing. But this will be the longest I've ever been in one place, and I think I'm okay with that. I'll stay a while.

November Adventure Bucket List

Now that this giant gem of a fall show is over and my days just expanded by several hours, I want to use them with gusto. So without further ado, here are some excursions upon which I wish to embark, in no particular order.

• Find the nearest animal shelter/pet store with a room that lets you play with the puppies and kittens and just spend a solid hour letting furry animals soothe my soul.

• Go to a planetarium show. (Everything inside me longs for this more than I can express.)

• Spend several hours in Boston by myself, just walking around or maybe touring a museum.

• Visit the aquarium and giggle with glee at the fishes and turtles and jellyfish and such.

• Go to Chili's. I haven't eaten there in forever and there is a whole in my heart that only unlimited chips and salsa and Molten Chocolate Cake will satisfy.

• Find a new woodland trail and spend an afternoon taking pictures with friends there.

• Visit a pentecostal church and unabashedly praise with my whole body.

• Learn the Around the World swing dancing move so I can return to the Debauchery Swing club with something up my sleeve. Also, the Helicopter.

• Finish figuring out GarageBand and then go to Philips and whip out piano covers of Painting Roses, West, and a couple others. Then mix them and add harmonies and such and maybe post them on SoundCloud if they're good.

• Get better at riffing on the ukulele by watching Jake Shimbakuro tutorials on YouTube and crying a little.

• Bake cookies with the Quad Squad and then watch Inception. Or Lord of the Rings. Or anything, really.

• Write more letters. To relatives. To old friends. To new friends. To Santa. (Wait what?)

• Continue to attempt abstract watercolors and continue to turn out grade-school-level blobs of color that vaguely resemble a landscape. 

• Acquire more hats. (I don't really need more time for that, it's just something I want to do.)

My spontaneity level is either about to skyrocket or plummet. Fingers crossed. 

Hesitantly Brightening

Flower flower, don't you worry
flower flower, there's no hurry
flower flower, don't you cry
your day will come before you die

For the past week, I find myself singing this little tune to myself as I hop on my bike or walk down the hill or push through the same doors as everyone else and try not to bump into people. College so far is a series of opportunities that I feel either not qualified to take part in or not brave enough to attempt to take in the first place. But every time, I sing this song and sigh and let a breeze filter through my hair as my green bike whisks me away and somehow, it's not the end of the world.

Today I also realized I've gotten into this habit of walking into rooms unsure if I'm supposed to be there. I realized that certain sweaters or ways of arranging my hair create my feelings about myself on any given day instead of revealing them.

Everyone is just so put together here, and I have this urge to be effortlessly beautiful, because to me true beauty is that which doesn't realize it is beautiful. And as the air gets cooler and the leaves get ready to brighten, I can feel the world coming into its own beauty and I want nothing more than to do the same. But I don't know how.

Also, I can tell fall is going to give me unrealistically romantic expectations about life and love (for example, did you know that a hundred laptop keyboards clicking and typing sounds exactly like rain hitting tree leaves?), and I'd better decide what to do with those crazy chemicals.

That's about it for this week.

Stranger Travels

"So Abigail, where are you from?"

I am from the lesser-known
The habited colonies of the nooks and crannies
From the mermaid lagoon on the Rappahanock River
The coral crags on the East China Sea
And cluttered passports
filled to the brim with layovers
the unplanned 12 hours in Shanghai
and airport orange chicken

Home is not a main street
and the same 3 best friends

My roads are thumbtack trails
across paper maps
my neighborhoods are various
Terminal A's
or E's
or C's
and places that say more
than people ever could

I have no space
or time
for wall murals
or gardens
or scrapbooks in the traditional sense

To see the adventures
I merely trace the scar on my thumb
twist my sun-bleached hair between my fingers
pick the scraped skin from the soles of my feet
the places where my skin has ripped, torn
and sewn itself together again

I run my fingertips over the stitches
on my heart
opened too many times
from the ripping-out of
forgotten friends

But higher education doesn't believe in Band-Aids,
do they?
Just study groups
rectangular tables
and the occasional kind soul
over a cup of chai

Update

I'm eating a bag of pretzels in a comfy library chair, listening to Spotify next to a backpack of my (nearly) finished homework, feeling like the cool, casual, studious quintessential college kid that I undoubtably am.

I have a gorgeous, mint green bike with a basket. I have bags of tea and a hot water heater in my dorm. I have lots of sweatshirts. I have friendly and crazy intelligent professors. I have access to relatively delicious food. I have dozens of acquaintances. I have a gorgeous woodland path where I can retreat at any time.

I don't have envelopes in which to seal letters home. I don't have the willpower to go to the gym. I don't have the bravery to email the sophomore RA dude that yes, I am interested in all-hall worship. I can sing. I can kind of sing. I don't have the confidence to dress exactly the same every day and gaily bounce up to people I don't know. I don't have air conditioning in my room. I don't have a church (yet).

I don't have friends.

But I have a lovely roommate, a bed, clothes, woodland paths, and God. So those will tide me over. The rest remains to be seen.

Stay tuned.

Dis-Orientation Weekend

Well guys, I've arrived.

*looks around*

*twiddles thumbs*

....Yeah. 

College.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple things:

-My room is an oven.

-The air is brisk already.

-There are little to no opportunities to be alone.

-Icebreakers. Hate them. Forced friendship? No thanks.

-My triple room may yet become a double. More space!

-The paths are beautiful, though unexplored.

-I have this inexplicable urge to make pancakes.

-And play an instrument. All the time. 

I think that's all I can comprehend just yet.

Stay tuned. 

Bald Eagles and Bugs

If anyone's wondering why I haven't posted in two weeks or so (or maybe no one reads this and actually I'm being silly...or whatever), it's because I've just spent the last 12 days fighting mosquitos and sore muscles in the Adirondack mountains with some of the most awesome girls I've yet to meet in an outdoor education program with my college called La Vida.

The experiences and spiritual epiphanies are far too meaningful to sum up in a blog post (which I knew even before I embarked), so I decided to write down one thing every day that summed up the day's challenges. I put them in the form of packing tips, so if any of you lovely readers (imaginary or otherwise) decide to try a survival expedition of your own, you'll be well-prepared.

Day 1: Invest in a small camping pillow!
(My neck became rather sore after resting on hard ground or a rolled up piece of clothing at night)

Day 2: Headlamps are invaluable. 
(vs. flashlights, which are not hands-free)

Day 3: Quick-drying clothes ONLY.
(When it pours for the first 48 hours and even the sleeping bag inside your tent is damp, you want your t-shirts and cargo pants to be dry after only 30 minutes on a line)

Day 4: Sneakers should be narrow with excellent tread.
(If you're rock-climbing, whether or not your toe can fit into that minuscule crack makes all the difference.)

Day 5: Bring thick, high-SPF sunscreen AND a face stick. Oh, and a sturdy 32 oz. water bottle. 
(Apparently the tips of your ears can, in fact, get burned when you're in a canoe.)

Day 6: Your bug spray should coat you well and have the potency to kill anything within 5 feet of you.
(Spray it on any exposed skin. Wipe it on your face. Spray it on the brim of your hat. Spray it on your thermal underwear, which they will bite through. It won't keep them from biting you, but it'll repel them... for a while. Also: sleep with a bug net over your head if you have to. *shudder*)

Day 7: Bring layers that cover your arms without heating you up too much (aka bug protection), and ones that zip are easier than pullovers. Also, the bug spray thing again. 
(Bonus: Mosquitos can't bite through a raincoat!)

Day 8: You need 3 pairs of shoes: hiking boots, water shoes, and easy slip-on ones that will ALWAYS be dry.
(If you're too lazy to lace up the boots all the time, you can wear socks around a campsite, but they will get filthy and you can still step on twigs.)

Day 9: Shorts should have liners, and bandanas work better than bobby pins.
(When you only have room for 4 pairs of underwear, you need ways to cheat. And a bandana tied like a headband is actually kind of cute- and the only accessory you'll probably do.)

Day 10: There is no such thing as too many pairs of socks.
(If you walk around the forest in them or a surprise thunderstorm shows up right as you put those great blue ones on, you'll be glad.)

Day 11: Your sleeping bag better be warm AND waterproof.
(Apparently, a tarp stretched across some trees is not foolproof protection when it decides to pour for two solid hours right before bed. Also: rain in the mountains is not refreshing, but freezing.)

Day 12: Never underestimate how cold it can get in the morning. Bring gloves AND a hat, even in the summer. Sleep in them if you have to.
(You think just because it's July 4th it won't be 45 degrees? Haha. Think again.)

Jokes aside, it was an amazing trip, regardless of uncomfortable weather/bug/clothing conditions. How can you focus on something silly like the sweaty smell of your dri-fit shirt when you're looking at this?

Not-So-Distant Horizons

I'm still not sure if the whole "done with grade school forever" thing actually hit me, but I did feel this awesome adrenaline rush when I walked across the stage and looked out at all the people at graduation. And when they officially pronounced us graduates, I felt this huge, wild joy rising up inside me and I felt like screaming and throwing confetti and hugging everyone... so I did. It was amazing. It was over in a flash.

And you know something hilarious? Up until then, I felt so unprepared and terrified for the idea of leaving home for good and being in charge of my very own self. Choosing classes, managing free time, shopping for my own groceries... it all seemed so foreign and scary.

But yesterday morning, I woke up and went online to Gordon College's website. I completed the Pre-Orientation online class and was not overwhelmed by the boatload of information it provided. I picked my first semester classes and felt... excited.

Today, I'm going to put on my new Fighting Scots t-shirt from my school (so fun to say that), scan all the papers that include the packing lists for the La Vida trip (I leave in barely more than a week! 12 days, no showers, here I come), and write down the exact number of athletic shirts and track shorts I have to shop for. I will be excited and not intimidated about the fact that I'm going to Dick's Sporting Goods and REI to look for clothes and appropriate shoes for running 8 miles. (Okay, still terrified about the whole 8 miles part, but whatever.)

I don't know what it was, but guys. I'm ready.

Maybe graduation really did it. Maybe at that moment, I was simultaneously filled with happiness for all my high school friends and teachers and rapturous excitement for all the incredible possibilities ahead. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Eeeeeee!!!!!
Here we go.


You sure must be strong,
when you feel like an ocean made warmed by the sun...

What To Think

Sometimes, I can't decide if I'm not blogging (or rather, not blogging anything particularly interesting or relevant) because I'm too busy or because I don't want to plummet down the dark, jagged, winding, cavernous rabbit hole that thinking about important things like life will cause.

Because the truth is that life is incredibly eventful currently, and I don't even know if it would be morally decent to attempt a blog post of it all. It almost... I don't know, trivializes it. Turns it into something tangible or comprehendible.

Not to say I've gone skydiving or met my favorite actor or won the Nobel Prize recently. But I've thought some very profound thoughts, said a few profound things, and felt a couple profound feelings. And that deserves, if nothing else, a nod to the universe in 12-point font form.

I guess the thing that everyone seems to be leaning towards me, hand cupped around their ears for, is graduation. Like... how am I feeling? Am I excited? Am I sad? Everyone's so expectant for my feelings that it's subconsciously drained me of conscious emotion towards the whole affair. Like... yes. It's happening. Okay. I'll take Next Conversation Topic for 400, please.

I mean, I haven't even intrinsically grasped my own emotions on the subject. Maybe if the whole world would give me a chance to, I could articulate something presentable to respond to other people. As it is, I'm giving the standard, typical high school answer of "I'm ready to be done," which is true of course, but not a true answer to the question. It satisfies the asker though, and leaves me biting my lip and wondering... hold on. How do I feel about it?

I've been meaning to write some advice to Freshman Abby, though, and perhaps that will help. And watching a few darling eighth graders that I know prepare to captain the churning waters of public secondary education makes Subconscious Me stretch out my hand and open my mouth to call out some fragment of wisdom (though nothing comes yet), so I'd better work on that whole articulation thing sometime soon.

I should really try and fit something more thought-provoking into this post. Right now it's shaping up like one of those TV dinners that has so much potential to be your new favorite thing ever but then ends up being underheated and bland.

Okay. Well.

Here's something I've thought about recently: We are alive to take risks. If we never risk our hearts, our preconceptions, our physical health, our mental sanity, our personal hygiene, and so forth every once in a while, what's the point of living?

But there's a flip side. The idea behind risk-taking is not that you're brave enough to do it, but that you're doing it mentally prepared to deal with whatever consequences, unfathomably good or horrifically bad, that arise. It's not saying "Why not, I'm young and alive" and promising that this will be your only time getting high or breaking into some abandoned building or pretending to relish some drunk recklessness that is secretly making you cringe.

It's when you're with your best friend for the last time in probably years and you realize there is no good reason why you shouldn't go streaking at midnight behind a row of houses. Or when you're looking at your favorite person for the hundredth time and figuring out that it's not going to take a hundred and one for you to blurt out in pure, Shakespearean poetry why you love them. It's being with the people and places you love most and knowing that carrying on with the same old crap isn't going to do anyone or anything justice.

The last thing I want is to look back on anything and wonder if only. 

So at least until I leave for Wenham, Massachusetts on August 21st, I'll be taking some risks that hopefully shock Freshman Abby and rather impress her.

Cheers, folks. (I can't believe I just said that, but try and pretend it works.)

Dear Prom,

Your day is charged with a tingly anticipatory excitement from the moment my eyes squint awake. It's hectic, and the new curlers are frustrating, and there's always some last minute important thing that was forgotten. But I love it.

There's something exhilarating about being a girl on days like this. The oh-so-important scent of hairspray hanging in the air, the warmth of steaming curls next to your ears, the glitter of your rarely-painted nails, the sticky shine of mascara and lipstick. There's something strangely satisfying about sliding a zipper up your side to enclose yourself in silk and satin and beads. Suddenly, you're slipping painted toenails into the perfectly matching pair of shoes and the dress-transformation scene from Cinderella flashes through your head in brilliant color and you look in the mirror.

The angel-soft curls cascade around your face - which for once looks magazine-cover worthy, your dress snuggles around all the curves you want it to, you smell like sunshine and the Botanical Gardens, your eyes sparkle, and without realizing it, the word princess floats to the surface of your mind. Wait a second. This is the same person who looked in the mirror this morning and saw messiness and tired eyes, right? The transformation is nothing short of magical.

And then, as you finish a dreamy sigh, the doorbell rings, and your breath catches. The pumpkin carriage and the prince have arrived.

The night is young, and so are you.

Dear American Dream,

I couldn't care less about you.

I have no desire to attend an almost-Ivy-League college if it becomes my answer to whether countless hours of staying up and running my brain ragged were worth it. Nowhere inside my being is there an urge to climb the corporate ladder only to sit in a cubicle and kill trees with a printer all day.

I want adventure. I want to get my shoes muddy every time I do something new, to desperately scrape up money to take flights to southern France, to pack a suitcase in ten minutes for an impromptu drive out to amusement parks on the Canadian border, to take a roadtrip in my pajamas once every month or two.

Today, I hardly thought once about my less-than-passing grade in AP Calculus, nor did I set aside a proper amount of time to finish my AP Lit paper that's due next class... and you know what.
I can't remember the last time I was so happy to be alive...

Dear Prom Date,

I just want to keep saying that. :}

Thanks for making me blush in front of a crowd of people and then taking me out for a milkshake to cool down my face. It didn't work.

Thanks for always opening the car door, no matter how many times I try to dart in it by myself.

Thanks for making me think something was about to happen every time I went to the bathroom, or you left the room, or I turned around. You are a punk.

Thanks for not waiting until the morning of April 5th to show up at my doorstep with a dress. I would have hated you.

Thanks for inviting my whole family to the improv show and thinking I wouldn't notice them all in the back.

But seriously. Thanks for telling my dad. He likes stuff like that.

Thanks for being the first of those three guys to ask, and consequently being the guy that got all the "Awwwww"s from every girl in the audience.

Thanks for planning cool stuff like this.

Today was pretty cool thanks to you.

Guess now it's official,

can't back out :}

So Um Yeah Ack I Can't Geee

Right now, I'm kinda, just... *rambles giggled, unintelligible gibberish*

um....

*exhales quickly*

Basically, if I were to try and speak right now, words wouldn't come out. It would be pure, undiluted rays of sunshine.
And maybe even a rainbow.

So, essentially just...

this.

Every word of it. 

Dear Prince of Peace,

As You often do, You decided to totally surprise me, and because one good day wasn't enough, let's make it a double!

-I wore a t-shirt and old jeans all day, and I felt just as attractive as the girls who'd worn dresses and curled their hair for Club Picture Day. That's the definition of a win.

-The afternoon consisted of freezing wind, woodland paths, a bench overlooking water, and successful sunglasses conditions.

-It also consisted of some uplifting affirmation, some spiritual guidance, some well-thought-out strategy, and basically just encouragement. All over the place.

-There were also gingerbread cookies in there somewhere.

-What was supposed to be a boring and brain-draining evening became a surprise visit to an Italian restaurant and friendly conversation with (almost) total strangers.

-There was letter writing, and with it came the sweet remembrance of my old mentors, and joy at the possibility of following in their footsteps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically, um, You're even more amazing than I realized, and that shouldn't even be a surprise.

Just look at what happens when I take the time to give you a grateful glance!

In Review

The tradition is, surprisingly, continuing. I have this blog to thank for many things, and a massive one is keeping myself accountable in one way or another. One way that's manifested itself is in keeping actual, real-life New Year's Resolutions. Last year I pulled out 2012's and saw how I did. Now it's 2013's turn to get scrutinized. Then 2014 will proudly step up and have its moment of limelight.

So, without further ado....

2013 Resolutions

-Get a date to prom Check. 

-Don't stay in America all year Unfortunately, no.

-Get abs  (Oh please.) I actually had like, a 2-pack. :D

-Have a swimsuit-worthy body by summer Check.

-Keep up daily Bible readings, even in times of inclement weather and schedule changes Not every day, but most.

-Don't be afraid to wear earrings Check.

-Grow out hair at least 2 inches *looks at end of braid* Probably not.

-Get a drivers license. Seriously. Wow. Nope. 

-Have a Top 3 (or 5) list for colleges Check. 

-Spend more one-on-one time with specific friends and family members I think so. 

In conclusion: I am equal parts awesome and total, utter, failure. But anyways. ON TO THE FUTURE.

2014 Resolutions

Graduate with a GPA of 4.15

Get a date to senior prom

Find a modest bathing suit

Journal more during Bible-reading

Get elbow-length hair

Be happy with the college I choose

Go on more adventures

Keep in touch with the important people

Continue to not swear 

*raises wine glass filled with grape juice*

Let 2014 begin.