The Good, the Bad, the End

Well, I guess it's nearly the end. I feel like I'm army-crawling over the finish line of this summer, but I made it. I had some awesome times, and got some awesome laughs and pictures out of it, but I'd be lying if I said it was the best.

Many people who know me are aware of my opinions about returning to Stafford every summer, due largely to the fact that the few close friends I had in high school here have moved away, and I've never been able to find a job that didn't make me miserable (except for pet-sitting- I will never stop taking care of my neighbor's big dogs whenever they ask me... and loving it). So to be frank, with some specific exceptions, this summer was lonely, tired, and sometimes downright depressing. There it is. I can't pretend it was anything otherwise. I was forced to reach out to God day by day for strength and joy, and He showed up in cool ways and (as He does) provided me with exactly what I needed, right when I needed it.

But as I'm not Him, I still don't get His methods. I don't understand why every good job opportunity I had before or during this summer fell through or didn't pan out. I don't understand why every single friend I've had here has left at one point or another, leaving only me behind. I know that suffering produces endurance, and character, and hope, and that He knows my way when I don't...but that's about as far as I've got. Maybe that's as far as I'll ever get.

Either way, I'd rather recap some of the good that did happen.

I read the entire Harry Potter series for the first time, as well as a couple other great books.

I visited my family in California, and my older brother-like cousin Anthony took me to see the giant sequoias. It was a day packed full of so many things that I love: big trees, making fun of tourists, low-level hiking, trees, ice cream, reveling in nature, amazing photography opportunities, giant trees, spending time with Anthony, and did I mention the trees?

My dear friend Madison got married, and as a result I was in my first ever wedding. It was the bomb. I met some insanely amazing girls that were easy to befriend in a weekend, and watched Madison and her beloved exchange some seriously beautiful vows at a ceremony that made me cry with joy.

I finally achieved mermaid-length hair, you guys. I did it. It's been a long and tangly road. But we made it. 

I also went to the beach a couple times, and swam in my neighbor's pool enough times to get a decent tan (which I know I will appreciate when every day in London is rainy). Madi swam with me sometimes, and we pretended to play pool basketball and laughed until we almost drowned. Then we'd go to a fair, or a Korean spa, and live it up. She is the best person to be a kid with.

My roommate and I visited a couple times, and it was so, so sweet to get some one-on-one time with her at our respective houses before we both go abroad at separate times this next year. I realized just how much I love being a girl with her, and how wonderful it is that she is so unashamed about wanting to be a couch potato. I need that in my life.

And last and best of all, I hung out with Josh. A lot. We had countless adventures(I learned croquet! We rode 15 roller coasters in one day, all in the front row!), a couple epic road trips(using no GPS, only manual mapping), and awesome, awesome talks. He became my best friend even more than he already was.

I mean, come ON

But more than anything else, the bright spot of this summer was being able to look ahead. And that's what I want to talk about now. I'm studying at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art this fall semester (I leave in 12 days!), getting my certificate in Classical Acting, and I want to properly document my experiences living in one of the coolest cities in the world. So I'm taking this as my opportunity to officially close the door on this blog, and start a new one based around my travels this fall.

It's bittersweet. This blog has seen me through some of the best and absolute worst times in my life, and it's not exaggerating to say that writing here helped heal me many times. I've cultivated my love of writing, kept myself accountable to growth, measured important milestones, and processed deep sorrows and incredible joys on here. It will always be dear to me. But despite my deep resistance, I'm growing up, and it's time to start a new chapter. (I'm cringing just typing that.) 

If you have been reading this for most or all of these past 5 years, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Being able to hear people say that anything I wrote affected them positively was always such an encouragement, as was the knowledge that I may have been responsible for the genesis of several other blogs out there. I feel confident this little Blogspot is leaving a nice legacy behind. I will never forget the imprint this page, or you few precious readers, had on my life. 

*raises glass*

To the longest diary I ever kept. May its turmoil of emotional, heartwarming, sometimes-genuinely-mortifying ramblings always inspire me to write-and speak- the truth.

Signing off,

The Erdelatz Kid

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If you'd like to read my new blog, by all means, do (or don't- I'm never one for self-promotion). Here it is:

https://talesfrompaddenswickroad.wordpress.com 

Heart is Where the Home Is

In three days, I will once again set out for the mountains of upper New York and abandon suburban toilets and makeup and cell phone service for trees and mountain air and bug spray and tennis shoes, this time not as a La Vida camper, but staff.

And that's amazing and all- and believe me, no one is more psyched than me that my time in Stafford is coming to a close (since I'll go straight to Gordon after my time at Base Camp ends), but I realized something. Though several beautiful and terrible revelations have come to me this summer that are worth writing about, I've recorded all but none of them. Sure, I've journaled and talked with a few dear friends, but I've almost stopped using the one cathartic method that's always been my standby, and it makes me sad because I probably won't be able to for a while.

What's with me? Is it because the powerful, awe-inspiring truths that God has revealed about His character this summer are just too intimidating to try and capture on this measly page? Because deep down, I don't really believe anyone out here would want to know what's happening in my heart and mind? Because I still doubt every day whether my life is worth writing about?

Yes. Yes. And yes. Unfortunately.

But inspiration struck! In a lovely twist of fate, I read something (duh) that reminded me of a sweet truth that always strums a strong chord within me, and cried because I hadn't felt it in a while.

I don't belong here in Virginia. Or at Gordon. Or in Okinawa, or California, or anywhere. I've never had a place I steadfastly called home, and it's been this dull sorrow that never really goes away. But in those moments, I remember that awesome, mind-blowing truth that- neither does anyone else, because God tells us that our kingdom is not of this world. We're never really home... until we're with Him.

But it doesn't stop there. For the past ten days, I visited my family in California for the first time in two years, and guess what? I've never lived there in my life, but I was home. It was this rich, loving moment when I felt surrounded by the people I love and connect with most and thinking, these are my people; this is what I've been missing. They're home to me. My parents and brother are home.

When I think about marriage, I think about having a home in my husband. I think about how every time he walks into a room, I might not necessarily always feel butterflies, but I'll feel safety and comfort and belonging and... home.

Jesus is my home. He's all those things. He's safety and belonging and unconditional love and utter knowledge and understanding of my inner being. I long to be understood, sought-after, and cared for, and He perfectly fulfills all those desires like the true Prince He is.

Which is probably why, when this song by Bethel Music comes on in my car, I instinctively blast the volume, belt the bridge with all of my vocal strength, and get shivers down my spine (and occasionally cry) when I remember how perfect and complete my Home already is.

It will not, it will never be enough

 just to know about You Jesus, and never call You my own

For my heart was made for love, I can't live without You Jesus

Contagious Storytelling

About a month ago, I got a text from my former small group leader at church asking if I could be a storyteller this week for the elementary school ministry. I knew, even then, that I'd be doing absolutely nothing, so I casually accepted. I didn't think much of it until I got home and was sent the script. After a week or two of being lulled into numbness and apathy from the hours I'd chained myself to the bed and couch watching TV, I was horrified as I scrolled through the lines and lines of narrative I'd have to memorize.

In the weeks leading up to the service, I sighed and repeatedly regretted letting myself get "roped into doing this" every time I glanced at the script. This week, I worked more than usual and was tired almost every afternoon and of course, didn't want to spend any time memorizing the thing. When I got up at 6am this morning (earlier than I'd woken voluntarily in probably a year), I regretted it once more. Never again, I told myself as I dragged myself bleary-eyed out of bed. I'll make up an excuse next time they ask me, I repeated in my head as I rifled through my mom's closet for a silk blouse. This is the only time I'm doing this, I thought as I drove to church in the bright morning sunlight. I got to church, smiled at everyone. Was given my microphone. Went to pace around lazily backstage. Stumbled through the first service and collapsed in a backstage lawn chair to doze between sermons, silently lamenting my inconvenience and the frigid temperatures backstage preventing me from restful sleep. Just this one time, I grumbled as I got the microphone tangled in my hair.

But when I got onstage for the 9:30 service, amidst the (much larger) crowd of energetic little ones, something mysterious happened. Despite my best attempts, I enjoyed myself. Those darn theater major instincts kicked in and that familiar high of performing rushed into my system, and suddenly, I delighted in making those fidgety, hand-raising little bodies be still and silent with my memorized lines about Daniel and King Nebuchadnezzar's mysterious dream. I loved how eagerly they shot their small hands in the air to answer my questions. I was swept into the captivating power of Scripture; I could feel God's overwhelming love for these little people and suddenly it was of the utmost importance that they realized what the message of selflessness and conviction meant for them.
Against all reason, I cared.

By the end of the last service, I had found my performance groove, once again swept into the story by my love of being onstage. My small group leader hugged me afterwards and asked if she could count on me to be the storyteller more this summer. I hesitated. Still, my selfish heart grumbled something about boring memorization and early mornings.

I can't say I had this beautiful moment of realization and suddenly, I loved the service of storytelling. I don't even know if I'll do it again. Honestly, a big part of me still doesn't want to. But that darn performance high was real, and the spontaneous urgency to be Jesus' vehicle into those kids' hearts was so strong.

How beautiful and stealthy of God to go, "Hey, that thing you're super not excited about? I'm gonna show you how I feel about it. I'm betting you'll like it."
God's love is no joke. It's contagious.

Saying Yes to I Don't Know

I had to do an end-of-year questionnaire for my major. These are some of the things I was asked:

   Have you begun a networking strategy for post-graduation? List individuals you have spoken to regarding your career.

   Do you have a personal artistic mission or purpose? What are some elements of that purpose? 

   At this point, what are your post-graduation plans? 

I panicked. Networking strategies? Mission statements? Plans?

At my delicate, barely-not-even-adult age, I am being asked these huge, big-picture type questions, and it makes me wonder if those should be the things that fill my head, because the things I think about on a daily basis are not big-picture. Today, I was walking back to my room and thought, I should pet a golden retriever today. And that was it. I didn't think about my "network." I just wanted to interact with a fluffy dog. That's who I am right now.

And that's okay.

I don't know where my life is headed. But God does. And right now, I'm just waiting for Him to let me in on little bits and pieces of it. I could become a freelance writer, I could become a professional golden retriever walker, I could land a role in the next Star Wars movie, or I could be a barista for the rest of my life and open a coffee shop/bakery/antique book store. Anything could happen, and that anything could be completely aligned with my idea of how my life should go, or it could be the exact opposite, which is more likely. Either way, I'm just happy to be along for the ride.

Lately I've been reading this book, and there was a chapter on saying yes to opportunities that God puts in our lives. The author said He often uses completely random and non-logical things to point us towards Him. Maybe we don't think we're qualified, but chances are there's a reason we're being asked to join into something, so we'd better not miss out on God's inexplicably cool plans. 

I want that. The adventure that comes from throwing the agenda out the window. I think I'm getting little tastes of it. The other day, I got asked to act in a sketch for my school's version of SNL. I had a free hour, so I did it. Earlier this month, I got asked to lead worship for my dorm's speaker series. I can play the ukulele and sing, so I did it. Then, someone asked if I could take pictures to be on posters around the school for someone's senior performance piece. I can take pictures. So I said yes. They were little things, things I like doing, and they didn't mess up anything on my schedule, so I said yes.

And then it hit me. What if God's pulling a Mr. Miyagi on me? What if He's starting out with small things, and then one day someone will come running up to me and ask me to do something I never thought I was capable of? Something that scares me and maybe even messes up my schedule. 

Will I say yes?

I hope so. I'd hate to miss out on His plans. They always end up being so much better. 

Dear Brother,

I write from a (mostly) quiet coffee shop counter. It is the hour at which the only customers are the ones who are like me: drowsy but still focused, and content when left to themselves; every new walk-in either feels like an intrusion or destiny. Behind me, the coffee pot sizzles like a small, sad version of our fireplace at home. You don't know how lucky you are. I should be pored over the French textbook next to me, but my head and heart are filled with thoughts of you.

You, who strides with confident adolescent swagger down those high school halls like a blindfolded man through a minefield, unaware of the dangers on every side. You, who will scoff at Dad's lectures on purity but let me give the same ones ten minutes later, collapsed across my bed instead of your own. You, who still calls me after every good Castle episode just so we can yell excitedly at each other through the phone, even if only for five minutes, after which I hang up longing to hear what's really going on in your heart.

Do you have any idea where you are?

You are at the crucial point of your existence. Some might say it's when you leave home, or when you start working, but I say it's now. At the precarious, fragile beginnings of high school, when it's not cool to care yet, and you can skate by on apathy and shallow friendships.

Don't. Settle.

You have the biggest heart. The strongest voice. The things that God could do through you are unimaginable. He could transform that entire, terrifying school. I want bigger things for you than I could have ever accomplished in those four years. You have so many gifts that I don't: natural leadership, unapologetic opinions, and a knack for making friends. You are the perfect balance of strength and gentleness, and you could probably take my place at Gordon and win over everyone that I know in the time it took me to make one real friend. The Holy Spirit would spread like wildfire with you as a vessel and it makes my heart ache with preemptive pride because I know that in your heart of hearts, you know it too.

It's so unfair of me to ask anything of you. For you to deny the worldliness of your friends, give up every shred of the image you so carefully craft, treat girls as precious treasures even when none of them around you are worth your effort, and chase after God with everything you have would take miles more courage and maturity than I had at your age.

But oh brother, I wish it. I wish it more than anything. Some days, I'm enjoying a solitary breakfast, or trudging through the icy slush to class, and am overwhelmed with the sudden longing to walk every step through that school beside you and shield you from its blows. My heart breaks for you daily because I have so much love for you. You've been my friend so many times when I had none. You've picked on me one moment and picked me up the next. You've rejoiced with me, mourned with me, gasped over TV show twists with me, and made a fool of yourself on family vacations with me. No amount of thanks can cover the extent of joy you've brought to my life. I want nothing but the highest joy for yours, and I've seen where it's found: in Him. Your unrelenting zest for life and adventure would be more than satisfied by a life devoted to Him, and it's my prayer every day that you would seek it.

Perhaps one day, when you have crossed the minefield and are preparing to embark on a life of your own, I will tell you these things with my hands on your (much higher) shoulders and you will hear the truth in the tears that choke my voice. Until then, I remain behind this quiet coffee shop counter, praying with an aching heart.

Be brave, pal.

Subconscious Tornados

I have a hard time believing people have just one "fatal flaw." We're all sinners who commit multiple sins. It could be said that I have infinite fatal flaws that are all deal breakers in one deal or another.

But one of the more significant ones is my tendency to overthink everything.
You can blurt out that it's because I'm a woman, but the truth is that it comes from my idealistic, imaginative side (from my mother) and my logical, analytical side (from my father) colliding in an infinite tornado inside my mind that roars around, knocking over things, and overcomplicates any and every situation it can.

So when the opportunity to take a leap of faith comes along, you can imagine the mental atom bomb that ensues.

Of course, the first thing I love to do is picture all possible outcomes, and my wonderfully unhelpful brain points out dangerous possibilities in each scenario. But lately I've been learning more and more to give God control of every part of me, even my mind. So I have to let him take care of the things  that haven't happened yet.
I have to accept that me making the "wrong" decision isn't going to stump him. ("What? Why did you do that? Boy, that sure screws up my whole plan for your life. Now what?") No matter what I do, He's in control.

Even if I make a wrong decision, He's in control.

Even if I do nothing, He's in control.

There's freedom in not having everything up to you.
There's faith, too.

Life's scary, that ruthless wizard.

New Year, New List

I've started looking forward to doing these resolutions every year. Even if I don't accomplish every last one, the idea that I'm putting a few key goals in my mind for the next year gives me a sense of purpose. So, 2014. Let's see how you stacked up.

2014 Resolutions

Graduate with a GPA of 4.15

The final GPA was 4.21(4.19 unweighted). Woohoo! High enough to surpass my goal, not quite high enough to make Summa Cum Laude. But you know what, that's okay. It says I tried my best, but I didn't let academics define me, which is what I wanted. 

Get a date to senior prom

I sure did. I even outdid myself and went to two proms, and they remain happily frozen in my memory as the magical evenings (and mornings) that they truly were. 

Find a modest bathing suit

I found two! And while they don't fit like they were made for my body, they make me proud for trying. Modesty will never stop being a good challenge. 

Journal more during Bible-reading

I think so. I usually jot down daily thoughts or verses, but I could certainly commit to it more. But more on that later.

Get elbow-length hair

Guys. I got SO close! I've been really into long hair this year. The progress was impressive.

I recently got it trimmed and put in some layers, so it has a bit of catching up to do, but I expect to reach mermaid status for sure by 2016. 

Be happy with the college I choose

This one is a resounding yes. Everything that's happened since coming to Gordon has confirmed over and over that this is where I'm supposed to be. I connect with the people, the professors are so wise and kind, the campus is beautiful, and I'm growing so much. Never thought I'd say this(and the fact that I can say it says a lot), but I doubt even Stanford could have been as perfect. 

Go on more adventures

Overall, definitely. College does that. But I think I also became a little more fearless this year, which has shown itself in many areas and which I'm pretty glad about. 

Keep in touch with the important people

Not as much as I would have liked, but I did my best. I realized over the last semester how few people in my life were truly important. Besides my family, I really only have a chosen few that I value enough to make the effort for. But those are the best people. 

Continue to not swear 

Oops. Never thought I'd fail on this one. It freaked me out when I heard people swearing casually at a Christian college, and after the shock faded I found myself slipping up with alarming frequency. It's fizzling out somewhat, and taught me something about the weight you can choose to give words. I'm still figuring out the weight of mine. 

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Well. That was a journey. It's weird how fast a year goes by, but when it's over and I look back, SO much happened. Anyways.

Normally, I do a simple list of ten resolutions every year that vaguely spans over the main aspects of my life, but this year I'm doing something different. The past six months have really been about spiritual growth for me, and more and more I find that the thing I want most is just to love the Lord with everything I have. So this year my resolutions are based on the greatest commandment: Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Which for me means:

Heart: Relational goals

Mind: Mental goals

Soul: Spiritual goals

Strength: Health goals

So:

2015 Resolutions

Heart:

Keep in regular contact with important friends

Call family often (once every week or two, ideally)

Initiate one-on-one hangouts with those I care about

Mind:

Read some new books that aren't for school

Ace a difficult class that isn't for theater

Learn a new skill (musical, domestic, technological, or otherwise.)

Soul:

Keep up daily devotionals

Start giving financially on a regular basis

Pray with others (whether they're friends or not)

Don't compromise on purity (in speech, dress, or conduct)

Strength:

Go to the gym or do solo workouts more often

Eat healthier (i.e. more fruits and veggies)

Take some hiking/biking/boating outdoor trips

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Phew. That looks more extensive when they're all written out like that. But I'm confident. As long as my greatest aim is to love God, I've accomplished all I need to. 

The Latest in Musical Discoveries

It's been a while since I've posted my latest favorite songs, mostly because it's rarely ever one song. But in this case, it's an artist: Andrew Bird.

I was sitting in Chester's the other night, partaking in warm chai and invigorating conversation with a couple friends, and suddenly the room was flooded with this magical music that perfectly echoed the fullness of my heart at that moment. (We were talking about God's amazing provision, manifested in the coolness of astronomy and my getting a role in the play, among other things, and I was overwhelmed with how blessed I was in that moment). I leapt up from my seat, ran over to the counter and requested the name of the song and artist. To my delight, Andrew Bird is one of those rare artists whose every song (not just one or two) hits some part of my soul in a unique way.

Friends, partake in my delight:


(the song playing at Chester's that night)



(a lovely instrumental I've taken to listening to in the mornings)

Update

I'm eating a bag of pretzels in a comfy library chair, listening to Spotify next to a backpack of my (nearly) finished homework, feeling like the cool, casual, studious quintessential college kid that I undoubtably am.

I have a gorgeous, mint green bike with a basket. I have bags of tea and a hot water heater in my dorm. I have lots of sweatshirts. I have friendly and crazy intelligent professors. I have access to relatively delicious food. I have dozens of acquaintances. I have a gorgeous woodland path where I can retreat at any time.

I don't have envelopes in which to seal letters home. I don't have the willpower to go to the gym. I don't have the bravery to email the sophomore RA dude that yes, I am interested in all-hall worship. I can sing. I can kind of sing. I don't have the confidence to dress exactly the same every day and gaily bounce up to people I don't know. I don't have air conditioning in my room. I don't have a church (yet).

I don't have friends.

But I have a lovely roommate, a bed, clothes, woodland paths, and God. So those will tide me over. The rest remains to be seen.

Stay tuned.

A Cryptically-Worded Ephiphany

It's amazing how clarity and perspective never comes when you're looking for it.

Like, there you are, scrambling around, frustrated for reasons and answers and solutions that won't come, and then suddenly you're sitting in a car or walking your dog or saying something for the hundredth time, and suddenly five epiphany-like thoughts come to you all at once, each one with enough genius packed into it to solve an entire season of a crime drama.

It's amazing and freeing to realize that you don't have to work so hard, and also incredibly humbling to realize that you were stressing over something you didn't have to stress over. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways, and it's a huge understatement. Just two days ago, a seemingly arbitrary line in a daily devo book spoke to me, but only to the extent that I thought, wow, that's cool, it reminds me of that thing that's so true that has nothing to do with me. But then today, it came back to me coupled with another line from the same page, and suddenly I got it, and I realized that it could not only apply to the thing I thought it applied to, but also to my internal state of confusion in an indirect, domino-effect kind of way. (It was another crime drama moment, complete with dramatic flashback.)

Then I went on a walk and thought through everything I'd realized in the form of a monologue, which is how I typically do things, and I found that I wasn't frustrated anymore. Suddenly, a state of calm which can only be described as the peace of the Holy Spirit filled my entire being and I was like, wow. I never knew it could feel so good to care just a little bit less.

I don't know what purpose this serves other than to solidify the fact that I've figured something out, but I think it's significant whenever a weight gets lifted, or anytime you feel the calm assurance of an inward choice.

So to wrap things up with a semi-coherent nugget of wisdom, things can only dominate your life if you let them. You always have a choice.

Dear God,

Is there a reason that my best Okinawa friend suddenly can't come for a week and my best Virginia friend had to move to Alabama and my best longtime friend has to have cooler, busier friends and my best neighborhood friend has to leave this Saturday and is there a reason that I have to be alone?

Because if there is, it better be a dang good one.

It's my last summer before college, homebro. This is it. I don't want to spend it cleaning out my closet and sitting in front of my computer watching sad reruns on YouTube and.... dorm shopping. That's not what this summer is supposed to be. It's supposed to be about adventure and trying those insane things you've always wanted to do and listening to great music with great people and making memories right up until the moment you leave.

Problem is, I don't have any great people. And all my music is rather outdated right now.

Is this my life? Please say no.

Souvenir Creativity

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." I've often praised the truthfulness of this age-old proverb, as I am a huge gift-giving person (it's kinda my love language) and take an unnecessary amount of joy in watching someone enjoy the Christmas present I got them. But the more brain power you take to really digest this nugget of wisdom, and the more effort you take putting it into practice, the more you realize: woah.
Getting something is but a small taste of the joy and fulfillment that comes when you give. When you put a bit of your heart, your joy, yourself into something... and that something enriches someone else's life... it's something way bigger.

I feel this way about gift-giving, but also about everything else. It's why I try hard at giving sincere compliments. In a way, I think being an avid reader actually helped this. I have a fairly well-developed vocabulary at this point, which equips me to say you don't just look nice... you look ravishing. You look elegant. You are more uniquely special than a generic, all-encompassing compliment. I love finding the right word for things at all times, and when I find the right one to make someone's day, it's even better.

Conversely, I enjoy thinking up cool compliments (rather than deconstructing others'), so I'm not as good at receiving compliments- something I've tried to work on lately. It sort of discounts a compliment when the person being complimented just brushes it off (like, if you "look awful," why'd I bother?). So I'd like to be as creative at saying thank you as I try to be in giving, so that even when someone gives me something- a gift, a compliment, advice, etc.- I can receive it in a way that blesses them just as much as it did me.

This is totally a Jesus thing. Anytime he was praised, or given a gift, or anything, he immediately used the opportunity to point the attention away from Himself- towards God. Often, He would also honor the gift-giver when the gift was genuine, such as the woman who wiped His feet with perfume. He was selfless at all times. It's something I long to embody as of late.

Don't get me wrong: I don't want to overdo anything, like be overly thoughtful in my gifts to the point of creepiness or say thanks a million times. I just think that being just a bit more creative than the bare minimum can make a huge difference at a tiny cost. In fact, I think that's a pretty good principle to live by.

So don't settle for gift cards, kids. If someone's important to you, find a gift or word that's equally unique.

(No pressure)

Flannels and Lattes and Humility

I just read an article called "Killing Christian Hipster" and am choosing to write about it pronto, because convictions are flying from my heart about it.

Basically, there's this trend going around in certain Christian circles known on Twitter as the "Evangelical Hipster," and to be honest, I'm totally becoming one. I have a solid black journal that I use to journal and doodle lyrics to Hillsong United in. My wardrobe consists of beanies and flannels. I've had some sick fellowship in coffeeshops and hiking trails. My bible is full of underlinings and margin annotations and whatnot. I have a playlist on Spotify entitled "Into the Wilderness." I'm currently obsessed with Oswald Chambers' insights. Gordon College is absolutely filled to the brim with Christian hipsters, and if we're being real with each other, that's kinda why I felt at home there when I visited.

*looks down at self*
Guys. I'm wearing glasses and TOMS. Right. Now.

It's happened. And try as I might, I can't change my style or simply stop liking certain songs... or lattes. But what hit me in the article was the idea that we make this quirky, Christian brand of cool our little safety bubble, rather than relying on Christ alone to be our foundation.

~~~~~~~
"What if Jesus called you to kill the cool? What if Jesus called you to minister in a place where you couldn’t post Instagram photos with cute kids? What if Jesus called you to a church home where the pastor’s sermons weren’t available as podcasts? What if the body of believers Christ surrounded you with were unschooled ordinary men and not a sanctified version of Mumford and Sons? What if being a follower of Jesus meant you had less or no Twitter followers?"
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Something I've noticed (or rather, God's pointed out to me) about myself recently is I get way too wrapped up in the masses' approval of me. Or not even me, really- my image. I'll spend an hour taking a hundred selfies that look like I was just in the middle of doing something, selecting and editing one, and then posting it at a time when I think I'm most likely to get the most likes. I'm completely serious. It's tough for me to even admit that, but recently my opinion of myself has often hinged on the public's approval of my cute face or witty tweets. 

At the same time, my bible studies lately have often been geared towards killing selfish impulses or self-centered motivations in our spiritual lives. It's so amazing. The more I learn about denying all worldly pleasures for God's Will alone, the more my own selfish desires pop up all over the place and assert themselves. I'm not sure if it's the enemy trying to stall any growth or just the Lord pointing out flaws that have always been there. Either way, it's incredibly humbling. The article was just another reminder. 

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"Jesus doesn’t need your cool for His kingdom. He doesn’t need us to be famous to make Himself famous. Jesus works beautifully through our brokenness and completely through our surrender."
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I'm realizing more and more that what I need is hardly the perfect social media profile, or even coffee-making skills or hip prayer lingo or any of the things most of my spiritual role models display on the outside. I need something far greater than those peripheral impressions. 

I need the Lord. And that's it. 

So I can go to a thousand bible studies run out of someone's wood-furnished living room with acoustic, harmonized worship and flannel-wearing lumberjacks, but when I've sung Oceans for the 57th time and filled up a a hundred Moleskin journals and posted dozens of pictures of mission trip VBS on my Instagram, I'm still a sinner.

It's only when I've stripped everything about me to this single need... for Christ and His Will... that He can even begin to work. That's convicting as well. But guys. Jesus doesn't need our cool for His kingdom... so no pressure. If any of you have ever portaged a canoe (which I did two weeks ago... my poor shoulders), it's like the moment when you put it down and dunk your dripping-with-sweat face into the lake. Cool, beautiful relief. 

Dear Prince of Peace,

As You often do, You decided to totally surprise me, and because one good day wasn't enough, let's make it a double!

-I wore a t-shirt and old jeans all day, and I felt just as attractive as the girls who'd worn dresses and curled their hair for Club Picture Day. That's the definition of a win.

-The afternoon consisted of freezing wind, woodland paths, a bench overlooking water, and successful sunglasses conditions.

-It also consisted of some uplifting affirmation, some spiritual guidance, some well-thought-out strategy, and basically just encouragement. All over the place.

-There were also gingerbread cookies in there somewhere.

-What was supposed to be a boring and brain-draining evening became a surprise visit to an Italian restaurant and friendly conversation with (almost) total strangers.

-There was letter writing, and with it came the sweet remembrance of my old mentors, and joy at the possibility of following in their footsteps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically, um, You're even more amazing than I realized, and that shouldn't even be a surprise.

Just look at what happens when I take the time to give you a grateful glance!

Dear King of Kings,

You were so awesome today.

Well, You are every day, I suppose. But today I could see it all over the place! Let's start with 9:30am. I interviewed with a guy in a brown checkered jacket in a booth at the 610 Panera Bread.

He was a representative from Stanford University admissions. And....wow. Everything that I was worried about? Yeah, You took over the spirit of that interviewer, and suddenly it was You sitting across from me in that booth, telling me not to worry because You had it covered.

The best part, though(aside from the part where he said money would never be an obstacle I needed to worry about with Stanford, which was a huge burden lifted), was when he looked at me towards the end of our conversation and told me about how he felt like the "mistake" when he was accepted. And then he said,

"If you are fortunate enough to get into Stanford, consider yourself very lucky. And if you don't, consider yourself simply unlucky. It has nothing to do with your worth, or whether or not you "deserve" to be there. Because let me just tell you, and you tell your parents this as well. You are worthy. To be there. You deserve to be there, and whether or not you get in won't affect that. It's simply the luck of the draw."

I almost burst into tears. You were right there in that booth. I could feel it. It was amazing.

The rest of the day involved surprisingly easy homework, amazing worship at church, a delicious lunch, a letter, and wonderful fellowship in cars and restaurants and other such venues.

But to hear You tell me through the man in the brown checkered jacket, that I was worthy...
...was simply the most incredible and unexpected gift.

So I need to take a minute to thank You for it.

Wow, You're so wonderful. I can't even fathom it sometimes.

Continuing to praise,
Abby

The King is Enthralled With Your Beauty

"And back there is my wife; she's the hottest thing on two legs."

"And this is the most beautiful woman alive, my wife."

"I'd like to introduce you to the most gorgeous girl in the world."

I love hearing grown men say these kinds of things about their wives. But every time I hear it, there's a subconscious blink in the back of my mind that goes, "Can they really mean that?"


Like....really, really believe that.


The more I thought about it, the more it find it incredulous that someday a man will come into my life who will love me so much that to him, I am the most beautiful woman who's walking the earth. Who will say things like that not because he's supposed to, but because he can't help it.


Um. Wow.


And the more I think about how incredible it would be to have someone love me that much, the more I realize how much Someone already does.


And how incredible is that?!
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"Let not yours be the merely external adorning... But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is not anxious or wrought up, but is very precious in the sight of God." ~1 Peter 3:3-4

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also implanted eternity in man's hearts and minds..." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know it full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Update:

I'm going to a church retreat this weekend with a bunch of senior girls I've never met.

I gave a sweet sophomore girl my number between classes this week and told her to call me.

I've made a new friend that looks promising.

So, in essence, I'm pursuing some people.

But:

I have no one at school.

It's still kind of a waiting-on-God thing at this point to see if any of this stuff actually works out.

I'm realizing that I need to cut back on some relationships, and it's hurting.


This is hard. 

To Those That Get It,

This is one of those trust moments where I'm placing part of me in the hands of who-knows-who.

I've heard that when you're a Christian, your relationships with others should be like a cross. You've got people above you pouring into you, people below you whom you're pouring into, and those on either side who are there with you, and you all pour into each other.

Well, my 'cross' has been pretty lopsided as of late.

I noticed it a little while ago that I really didn't have too many close friends, but it really hit me when I realized that I had even fewer Christian friends.

And today when I was venting to my mom and absolutely broke down, I realized that this is not something to be taken lightly. It's a real struggle, and a real need.

I have some scattered Christian friends in my area at the moment. Excluding my family from back in Okinawa, there are a handful of people that I see occasionally that are genuinely life-giving, and pour into me like Jesus.

But in my daily life, like-hearted people are absolutely scarce.

Oh, I have a few friends that call themselves Christians, and some even act like it. But like-hearted is something very rare. And I'm realizing that trying to get by on.... the relationships I have been... is not working.

I can feel this huge hole in my life. And as it widens, I can sense the world trying to fill it. I notice myself being tempted to fill it with temporary things. It's scary. I'm trying to respond by simply spending more time with God. That helps, of course. But there is a definite place where Godly, life-giving relationships are designed to fit, and that place is nearly empty.

Yes, this is teaching me to rely on God more. Immensely. In a short time, I've made amazing discoveries on how to bring His Presence into my daily routine and have seen incredible joy come from that. I know I need to depend on Him for my joy, not others.

But as my mother comforted me today, she reminded me of the truth: to be loved is a God-given need. And there's nothing wrong with needing human relationships, because sometimes those are the venues by which God blesses us.

So okay. Here's why I'm saying all this on the Internet.

I'm done hiding this. I'm done hiding the fact that there is a gaping hole in my heart and in my life. It won't get better until I am honest about where I am.

To any readers that are Christians and know what I'm talking about:
Prayer could not be more needed. I cannot under any circumstances go through this life alone, and so if nothing else, pray for more of His Presence. (But some friends would be nice too.)

To any readers I have yet to become properly acquainted with: 
Say hi to me sometime, please. Even if you're not into the whole Jesus thing, I could use a few kindred spirits. It helps more than you realize.

Let your kingdom come in this world and in my life...

....Your love is strong....

Conviction

I'm writing this down and putting it here so I don't forget it.

Every Sunday, I finish up steaming milk and pouring mochas in Noah's Cafe, and after grabbing my satchel from the wicker basket under the counter, I walk into the worship center of Mount Ararat midway though the singing, quietly accept a worship bulletin from the usher, and check my phone for my dad's text of where my family is sitting.

And every Sunday, as I listen to Todd Gaston unpack Scripture in new and amazing ways, I can't get certain people out of my mind.

I can't stop thinking: I wish _____ was here SO much. This is exactly what they're going through right now. I'm going to invite them to come with me sometime. They don't even realize how encouraging it is.

Every week this happens. And more often than not, the same people come to my mind every week.

And I'm not doing anything about it.

I'm sitting here, praying for them, and praying for God to bring someone else into their lives to build them up, and you know what? The uncomfortable truth might just be that He already did, and it's me.

If that's the case, why on earth am I still just sitting here?

So anyone who reads this: hold me accountable. Next time we talk, ask me what I've been doing to reach those people. Ask me if I've talked to them.

Because the things I'm hearing every Sunday are too good to keep all to myself.

Us Humans

Something I'm learning a lot lately: It becomes impossible to make assumptions about someone (or judge them) when you've heard their stories and seen their pain. 

This became incredibly relevant at Younglife camp, where during cabin time we would all share what was going on in our lives, and where we needed God to step in. Everyone opened up, and we all got to hear some heavy stories. Heck, I talked about things I swore I wouldn't bring to the table.

The whole time, I felt a mixed sense of amazing companionship with these girls while also being incredibly convicted. Half of these people I'd judged before! Or at the very least, I'd seen them in school and thought, wow, they just have it all together, don't they. 

But no one does!

In fact, some of these girls had looked at me and thought the same things.
Me. As if anyone could think I have my ducks in a row.

I'm amazed at the fact that the more I get to know the things my friends aren't proud of, the more I respect them. I judge them less. It isn't the other way around! Because now I see them in a more relatable light. Once we realize that we're all in the same boat- that we all have broken places in us- it's impossible not to love them even more.

I find this especially mind-blowing when it's people that I look up to. You know the ones. The people we all aspire to be like. The ones that exude this aura of self-assurance, or in some cases, God-assurance. Nothing can phase them.

But then you see them in their low moments too, and it's like the universe just hiccuped or something.

Wait, they're human too? 

Weirdly, it's not a loss-of-faith moment for me. It's relieving! And humbling. They've been there to see my screwups; the least I can do is be there to love them in theirs.