I Need to Vent and I Need it Now

I'm just going to use this time to mentally prepare for the news that I might not get a part in this musical.

Of course, most of my friends are guaranted certain parts. And I'll be ecstatic for them as if I didn't already know they would get in. I'll geek out with them about how awesome it'll be to be playing such-and-such with so-and-so. And so on and so forth.

And I'll brush off those that say they're sorry about me not getting a part. I'll say that it's not a big deal, and that I'm just happy to be part of the ensemble, and that it's going to be an incredible cast regardless.

And I'll even mean it.

Then I'll go home and cry into my pillow and consider quitting the show and stage managing, or even just doing something else with my time because I can't handle it.

But then I won't want to be left out of all the inside jokes that will happen, and going to IHOP after opening night, and getting to at least stand on stage.

And so I'll accept my ensemble role that I always get in a musical. I'll pretend I love it. I'll learn to love it. I'll be happy for my friends and not bitter or jealous. The show will be fantastic and I'll realize that so-and-so was much better suited for the part to begin with.


Can you tell I've been through this before?


DEAR GOODNESS THIS IS RIDICULOUS. THIS TIME I JUST WANT IT TO BE DIFFERENT. I WANT TO GET A FREAKING LEAD ROLE FOR ONCE.
PLEASE GOD PLEASE I CAN'T WATCH ALL MY FRIENDS GET GOOD ROLES BECAUSE I'M A STUPID JEALOUS TEENAGE GIRL WHO NEEDS ATTENTION AND VALIDATION.

PLEASE LET ME GET IN.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

Please.

Worst Things To Do When You Have Homework

All of which I have been doing.

-Go on Youtube and watch adorable videos of people getting asked to prom creatively.

-Think about wearing a dress.

-Sit in front of your phone AND the computer.

-Remember that there's ice cream in the freezer.

(2 chocolate-y minutes later)

-Go outside and stand in the freezing, pouring rain just because you haven't done it in a while.

-Play music that's perfectly in the range of your singing voice.

Etcetera.

Etcetera.

Having a Mid-Twenties Crisis When You're 16

You know that mental breakdown that's supposed to come when you've finished college and have a boring job that pays for your groceries and you remember that you were good at doodling in middle school and once took an engineering class that you enjoyed, and can make a killer omelette, but none of those things boost you up the corporate ladder, and so you sit on your couch and have a meltdown in between segments of Law and Order because you don't know what to do with your life?

... Well, neither do I.

But I kind of had a mini-version of that.

Basically, my current GPA, while unknown, is suspected to be rather mediocre. Well, average/above average, but that's my equivalent of mediocre, so same thing. And the odds of getting a good part in Fiddler on the Roof are looking somewhere around 78%. Maybe. Actually, more like 62.5%, which coincidentally happens to be the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a test. (It was my Algebra 2 final exam, which dropped me to a B+ on the last day of school and was the bane of my existence for about 2 weeks.)

Anyway.

I realized that I've always wanted to be good at painting. I know I say that about a lot of things. (Gymnastics, wearing red pants, ballet, painting my fingernails evenly, etc.) But still, it's nonetheless true. Basically, I'm in a phase of scrolling through all my likes on StumbleUpon and clicking on all the ones that are remotely art-related in an attempt to spark some sort of creative epiphany. Then I convinced my mom to buy me some acrylics, painted a couple things that turned out (like everything else), decidedly mediocre, and now I'm caught between this brightly-lit vision of being a twenty-something abstract artist living on the upper East side, or sticking with pencil doodles while still being the brainchild of my graduating class, which isn't looking so promising either, due to my inability to doodle and pay attention in class at the same time and the current existence of Peri Oxford, the #1 GPA in the junior class.

(The last sentence was rather long, but I think it's still grammatically correct. Oh, screw it. It's a blog.)

So I'm okay at painting. I'm okay at grades. I'm okay at singing. I'm a little better than that at acting, but I refuse to be one of those waitresses in Los Angeles that tells her customers that she's an "actress", when in reality she's a waitress who has gotten one or two callbacks but never a real acting job.

So where does that leave me. Well, I could get into a decent college. Stanford will have to go on the back burner, or maybe stay Saran-wrapped in the fridge for later, or maybe even down the disposal altogether, but a decent college. Maybe a drama scholarship. Maybe. Maybe a small-ish academic one as well. I'll get a roommate. I'll get a job at a cafe. I'll participate in a couple all-nighters because I'll stress about my B in English or something.

Then... something. Maybe I will get back into painting. Maybe I'll become a collector of antique books. Maybe I'll travel and pursue Bucket List Item #1 somewhere in Finland. Some guy will notice and think I'm cool and eventually I'll get married.





............Oh.



I guess that's it.


..........

I'm going to go try another painting.



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Author's Note: I just watched the Social Network. My fingers are literally twitching because I can't type fast enough to get everything out of my head. Sorry for the brain-purging explosive-ness. 

Almost Forgot

Dear Burgundy,
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to move on. 
Don't get me wrong. You were great. Still are. You're still soft and warm. And everything.
But Ginger seems to fit me better. 
So can we just be friends?

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Abby 

I'd Give That Ish a Week

That kind of awesome moment when the friendly teasing doesn't bother you because (for once) you know more than they do.

And the even better moment that comes when someone walks across the lunchroom just to spend a few minutes with you and you pretend like it happens every day.

Today was a good day.

Jumping Off A Cliff

I'm going to use this quote again because it's so freaking perfect.

"To me at least, the greatest fear is found in those moments in which you allow what people think of you to be replaced with who you are. And knowing that where you stand with them is inevitably going to shift."
-Sarah Labanc
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I was never good at starting things. I'm usually not the first one to say or do anything.
Actually, I never am.

So why, all of a sudden, does that seem less scary?

Maybe because now it is inevitable. Something is going to shift. It has to. So why drag it out?

Of course it's terrifying.

But someone needs to just be honest, because you know what?
This pretending that everything is still the same... it's just stupid.

You never know. Maybe a shift is a step in a good direction.

But I still wish that someone besides me would say something first, because heaven knows I never can.

Dear Girl Who Holds Back Information,

I am immensely glad (just like with the Girl With Perfect Eye Makeup) that I got to know you better.
Who knew I was good at this whole hanging out thing?

And just as before, I realized I was an idiot. Our conversations made me think about things, and probably my favorite part was when I picked up your phone, and you went ahead and told me your password without hesitation. Not everyone does that.

And you were also right in saying that I need to decide. Like now. Probably before the end of today would be best.

And I already know your standpoint, obviously.
And hers.
And... yeah.

Maybe when you decide to tell me a few more things it'll be easier. One can hope.

In any case, thank you for painting my nails.

Again With The New Meanings

So this morning the song Free by Haley Reinhart came on shuffle.

And even though my life is probably the complete opposite of the problem in the song, I could hear lines that jumped out at me because I could relate to them.

How weird.

What is it with this song? I've been able to relate to it like 3 times in the past 6 months, but in completely different ways.

A Small Punch in the Chest

So even though I have yet to see the entire movie, I saw a scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And Sam said to Charlie, "I just want to make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you."

I didn't expect that to hit me like it did.

The Week of Pink and Red

So... Valentines Day is Thursday.

I'm not going to act like I didn't think about it a little. (Actually, I almost forgot about it, but then I saw the annual depressed-teenage-girl statuses and remembered.) Sure, I mused for a few minutes about
what-if-some-guy-got-me-a-flower
and what-if-I-had-a-pink-dress
and wonder-if-someone-has-a-crush-on-me-probably-not.

But then I remembered what it's supposed to be about: love. Not getting a boyfriend or being sad because you don't have one. Not roses or chocolate or getting asked out or anything. (In any case, if that's what love is, I'm good.)

I realized that it was a much better opportunity to write my friend a letter telling her I want us to be friends again. That's what I think Saint Valentine or whoever meant. And trying not to snap at my little brother as much. That kind of love.

And, to be honest. It's a perfect week to curl my hair and try out that pink sweater that I'm scared to wear. Because, hey, if I don't have anyone to dress up for, why not look good for myself? So this week I'm going to look super girly. And you know what, I'll be adorable.

Sure, it would be pretty nice if one of my guy friends did some sweet gesture or I found some way to get my hands on some truffles. But hey, you can't win 'em all. It's okay.

Dusting

I'm writing, for once, not because I'm procrastinating on my AP paper, or because I feel like getting out random emotions. Instead, I'm writing because I've decided something and I'm going to put it in typing so the few people who read my blog can be aware/hold me accountable.

Basically, I'm getting my life together.

Maybe it looks fine, but I've been putting off a lot of things, some bigger or smaller than others, and I want to just go ahead and clean them out. I'm dusting in all my corners, so to speak.

For instance, when I got home from church today (maybe that was what prompted it), I cleaned my room. Really cleaned it. Normally I straighten it, but this weekend I slacked off, and so I hung up all my jackets, threw away trash, and even replaced the freshness sphere-thingys in my fur boots that keep them from smelling bad. I pulled out the cash I have stored away in my drawer and counted out the amount I owed to my mom for stuff I'd bought in the past few weeks. I folded the sweatpants I have yet to give back to a friend and even put my friend's name on a Krispy Kreme coupon to remind myself to give it to her on Valentines Day.

And maybe most importantly, I promised myself I would do a few important things this week. After I finish this post, I'm going to send a friend an email I've been too chicken to send for a while. This week, I'm going to send my best friend her Christmas present (her CHRISTMAS present) that I still haven't sent. I'm going to pay my $25 dues for NHS and go back to tutoring at the middle school on Wednesdays after school.

That is, I'm going to try.
And I'm not going to get discouraged because of the 8-page paper that still needs to be written in the next 24 hours.
Or the fact that I need to seriously work at getting better sleep.
I'm not going to complain anymore about the fact that I'm genuinely unhappy at this school. My mom's probably tired of hearing an angry rant every time she asks about it.

It feels good to have a clean room, but more so to feel like everything else is getting cleaned up, too.

So if you're in my life right now, guys, feel free to ask me about it in the coming weeks. I need people to keep me accountable.

Dear Girl With Perfect Eye Makeup,

I can't tell you how glad I am that I got a ride home with you today.

Because I discovered that you are indeed a person of true substance.

I discovered some other things. Mainly that I'm an idiot.

But honestly, when I finally got out of your car after an hour of sitting with you in my driveway, I walked into my house with a familiar feeling in my chest. It's a combination of this warm fuzzy feeling I get when I really bond with someone for the first time, and the small, sad ache of my heart breaking just a little bit.

But it was breaking in a good way.

I don't know how to say it. But it just felt like a few things fell into place, and the sudden, delicate shifting of the pieces jolted me a little like every kind of unexpected inner change always does.

When I got up to my room, I took your advice for a brief minute and pictured it.

Familiar hands. Inside jokes. The same scent.
I posed the delicate question of lunch.
Praying. Hanging out. Dinner?
My parents?
Maybe.
Tall buildings.
Then, May.

And in a lot of ways, you were right.

I could almost see it. The biggest relief was that at least I could (somewhat) clearly see all of it.

Then I remembered that some things still exist in the real world and I became conflicted all over again.

But rest assured, I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Best Thing This Weekend

I don't think there are too many things more powerful than taking a yearbook of a school you've never heard of, opening to a page full of kids who you've never met, and running your finger down all the rows of faces, praying that every single one will know God.

... and then believing they will.

And then... finding the yearbook from your own school. And as you scan down the rows of photos from two years ago, stopping because you recognize a face from your math class, who you've never given a second thought, and then praying for that person to have a radical encounter with Jesus. 

... and then believing they will. 

Then going to school, seeing those faces, and remembering your prayer for God to change their heart. 

... and then believing He will.

The Choice

Sadness is contagious
Like a raging disease
A dark and heavy blanket
One can't shake off with ease

It plants itself inside you
And you wait for it to pass
But then it starts to grow
It lingers and it lasts

It settles in your stomach
And leaks in through the cracks
Of all your biggest bruises
Like a rock upon your back

And when you become tired
You decide to let it stay
Because it's far too big a burden
To kick up and chase away

So though you say you hate it
It's become your closest friend
You relish in it's dampness
And act like it's pretend

You say that you're in hiding
So someone will come and find
Because you don't like living there
Yet neither do you mind

You like the muted colors

And find rest in cloudy skies

A tear becomes a comfort

A truth becomes a lie

The darkness is now permanent
You think it makes you wise
But blindness is still blindness
If you don't open your eyes

Sadness is a choice, you know
Though you say it's chosen you
You were there to let it in
And tell you what is true

Brightness is still out there
It burns and stings your eyes
But it lightens the dark corners
And illuminates the lies

Though shadow is familiar
You can always choose the light
And put up with some sunburn
To prove you can still fight

From here it looks so distant
An strangeness you forgot
To some it may look welcoming
But you pretend you'd rather not

Too Late and Gone is just a front
You act like you don't know
That God is always right on time
He didn't come too slow

To pull you from your self-dug pit
Of Lonely and Unfair
And bring you from your darkness
Your exhaustion and despair

So now you're in the middle
Of darkness and the light
The dark pulls a bit stronger
And you tell yourself you're right

That there's nothing to be done
And the brighter days are gone
Why try and run the race, you think
There's no more to be won

But just as you chose sadness
The other's your choice too
It only looks so distant
Because of your old view

So go ahead and walk
The first few steps feel weak
But the treasure can't be found
Except to those who seek

Of course there will be dark days
But they won't swallow you
Because just like you chose Sad
You can choose Happy too.