Update

I'm eating a bag of pretzels in a comfy library chair, listening to Spotify next to a backpack of my (nearly) finished homework, feeling like the cool, casual, studious quintessential college kid that I undoubtably am.

I have a gorgeous, mint green bike with a basket. I have bags of tea and a hot water heater in my dorm. I have lots of sweatshirts. I have friendly and crazy intelligent professors. I have access to relatively delicious food. I have dozens of acquaintances. I have a gorgeous woodland path where I can retreat at any time.

I don't have envelopes in which to seal letters home. I don't have the willpower to go to the gym. I don't have the bravery to email the sophomore RA dude that yes, I am interested in all-hall worship. I can sing. I can kind of sing. I don't have the confidence to dress exactly the same every day and gaily bounce up to people I don't know. I don't have air conditioning in my room. I don't have a church (yet).

I don't have friends.

But I have a lovely roommate, a bed, clothes, woodland paths, and God. So those will tide me over. The rest remains to be seen.

Stay tuned.

Into The Light

A wise person once told me that the question is not who are you, but rather, who are you today? Over the past couple days, I've discovered that it's become something like- who am I this at this particular moment? Do I like them? More importantly, who else might?

For example, an hour ago my favorite song was Simple Song, yet as I walked back to Fulton a few minutes ago I couldn't think of any tune more lovely than Any Way. This morning, I was a girl without glasses with a perfectly placed side braid, but tonight I was an adorable, glasses-wearing free spirit who wore loose sweatshirts and untamed wavy locks.

But somewhere in between the worship jam sesh and tedious trek back up the hill, I discovered that maybe these miniature facets and personalities of Abigail Erdelatz are only hints at who she is truly becoming, and the final picture may include all or none of the rough drafts.

Because there are like-minded friends, and there are like-hearted friends. And the like-minded ones may love one of the rough drafts as if it's the final project, but it takes a like-hearted soul to see through the revision process to the masterpiece that is yet to be. These are the souls that will then help pull such a masterpiece into the light. The ones that lift the burden of the rough drafts. The ones I hope to find.

Have I found any such gems of human beings? It remains to be seen. But I have a slightly less foggy picture of what to look for, and that's something to rejoice over, isn't it?

Dis-Orientation Weekend

Well guys, I've arrived.

*looks around*

*twiddles thumbs*

....Yeah. 

College.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple things:

-My room is an oven.

-The air is brisk already.

-There are little to no opportunities to be alone.

-Icebreakers. Hate them. Forced friendship? No thanks.

-My triple room may yet become a double. More space!

-The paths are beautiful, though unexplored.

-I have this inexplicable urge to make pancakes.

-And play an instrument. All the time. 

I think that's all I can comprehend just yet.

Stay tuned. 

A Cryptically-Worded Ephiphany

It's amazing how clarity and perspective never comes when you're looking for it.

Like, there you are, scrambling around, frustrated for reasons and answers and solutions that won't come, and then suddenly you're sitting in a car or walking your dog or saying something for the hundredth time, and suddenly five epiphany-like thoughts come to you all at once, each one with enough genius packed into it to solve an entire season of a crime drama.

It's amazing and freeing to realize that you don't have to work so hard, and also incredibly humbling to realize that you were stressing over something you didn't have to stress over. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways, and it's a huge understatement. Just two days ago, a seemingly arbitrary line in a daily devo book spoke to me, but only to the extent that I thought, wow, that's cool, it reminds me of that thing that's so true that has nothing to do with me. But then today, it came back to me coupled with another line from the same page, and suddenly I got it, and I realized that it could not only apply to the thing I thought it applied to, but also to my internal state of confusion in an indirect, domino-effect kind of way. (It was another crime drama moment, complete with dramatic flashback.)

Then I went on a walk and thought through everything I'd realized in the form of a monologue, which is how I typically do things, and I found that I wasn't frustrated anymore. Suddenly, a state of calm which can only be described as the peace of the Holy Spirit filled my entire being and I was like, wow. I never knew it could feel so good to care just a little bit less.

I don't know what purpose this serves other than to solidify the fact that I've figured something out, but I think it's significant whenever a weight gets lifted, or anytime you feel the calm assurance of an inward choice.

So to wrap things up with a semi-coherent nugget of wisdom, things can only dominate your life if you let them. You always have a choice.

Why I Love To Cry

My favorite moments, coincidentally, are the saddest. The ones where my entire being was cleansed of the petty, inconsequential nuisances of this world and was filled with nothing but pure emotion, usually love. Love so raw and painful that it welled up inside me and escaped in the form of salt water and tightly clenched fingers.

My favorite day on this earth thus far was also one of the most bittersweet. It began with new music and seawall jumping, and ended with a 2:00am walk with an old friend, realizing that this was the point at which our lives would never be the same again. That friend and I have yet to cross paths since.

The saddest moments are also the most vivid.

I will never forget lying in bed two years ago, staring up at the ceiling, when the taste of apple tea and fried rice in my mind forced me to a sitting position as I silently wept at the ceiling because I knew I could never taste it again.

I can vividly recall the nights in which my AP US History readings and Math Analysis worksheets pushed me past the 12:30 brink of desperation, a place I'd never been before, and I would suddenly remember Mr. Coia's class discussions or Ms. Burger's freshman history class and wish I was anywhere but at a desk in Virginia, head on my textbook, exhausted from striving for the perfection I'd never reach.

I will forever cling to the infinite minutes I spent stretched over the center console of a Civic, arms clasped tightly in an embrace, sniffling back tears of fear and regret, but also drinking in every second because I'd never felt more deeply loved.

And my favorite of all these is the saddest. The one I can't even write. Because the truth is that some moments are more beautiful than a mere 26 letters can depict.

Dear God,

Is there a reason that my best Okinawa friend suddenly can't come for a week and my best Virginia friend had to move to Alabama and my best longtime friend has to have cooler, busier friends and my best neighborhood friend has to leave this Saturday and is there a reason that I have to be alone?

Because if there is, it better be a dang good one.

It's my last summer before college, homebro. This is it. I don't want to spend it cleaning out my closet and sitting in front of my computer watching sad reruns on YouTube and.... dorm shopping. That's not what this summer is supposed to be. It's supposed to be about adventure and trying those insane things you've always wanted to do and listening to great music with great people and making memories right up until the moment you leave.

Problem is, I don't have any great people. And all my music is rather outdated right now.

Is this my life? Please say no.