So Um Yeah Ack I Can't Geee

Right now, I'm kinda, just... *rambles giggled, unintelligible gibberish*

um....

*exhales quickly*

Basically, if I were to try and speak right now, words wouldn't come out. It would be pure, undiluted rays of sunshine.
And maybe even a rainbow.

So, essentially just...

this.

Every word of it. 

The Tiny Thief

Like fluffy bits of cotton floating lazily, the thick snowflakes gently cuddle every crevice of the deck in a soft whiteness. As I am drawn to the tall window, the outline of my sweater silhouetted by the crisp coolness of the outside light, my breath catches in my throat at the sight of a tiny sparrow perched on the swinging birdfeeder. Entranced, I watch with an amused smile. The feeder is intended for the larger and more ostentatious cardinals, but they are too busy chasing one another around the trees to notice their stolen breakfast. The sparrow pecks nervously at the seed, tensely awaiting the imminent bombardment. He grabs a minuscule bite, then peers over his shoulder to check for danger. He repeats this process several times as I smile at him with rapt attention, an unseen guardian, my face inches from the chilled glass and frosting it slightly with my breath. Normally, I would dart for my camera, but something about his secrecy stops me. Every bird who stops at the feeder pays the toll of documentation except this one. The way he jumps from his perch as the cardinals swoop past in their game of tag, then hops back when the coast is clear is heartbreaking and charming all at the same time. And so I let the tiny thief have his breakfast in peace, maintaining a quiet vigil at the window, unseen by the scavenger; and when he has pecked his fill of the seeds, after one last nervous glance at the treeline, he darts from the perch, his daring venture a success.  

Dear Prince of Peace,

As You often do, You decided to totally surprise me, and because one good day wasn't enough, let's make it a double!

-I wore a t-shirt and old jeans all day, and I felt just as attractive as the girls who'd worn dresses and curled their hair for Club Picture Day. That's the definition of a win.

-The afternoon consisted of freezing wind, woodland paths, a bench overlooking water, and successful sunglasses conditions.

-It also consisted of some uplifting affirmation, some spiritual guidance, some well-thought-out strategy, and basically just encouragement. All over the place.

-There were also gingerbread cookies in there somewhere.

-What was supposed to be a boring and brain-draining evening became a surprise visit to an Italian restaurant and friendly conversation with (almost) total strangers.

-There was letter writing, and with it came the sweet remembrance of my old mentors, and joy at the possibility of following in their footsteps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically, um, You're even more amazing than I realized, and that shouldn't even be a surprise.

Just look at what happens when I take the time to give you a grateful glance!

Dear King of Kings,

You were so awesome today.

Well, You are every day, I suppose. But today I could see it all over the place! Let's start with 9:30am. I interviewed with a guy in a brown checkered jacket in a booth at the 610 Panera Bread.

He was a representative from Stanford University admissions. And....wow. Everything that I was worried about? Yeah, You took over the spirit of that interviewer, and suddenly it was You sitting across from me in that booth, telling me not to worry because You had it covered.

The best part, though(aside from the part where he said money would never be an obstacle I needed to worry about with Stanford, which was a huge burden lifted), was when he looked at me towards the end of our conversation and told me about how he felt like the "mistake" when he was accepted. And then he said,

"If you are fortunate enough to get into Stanford, consider yourself very lucky. And if you don't, consider yourself simply unlucky. It has nothing to do with your worth, or whether or not you "deserve" to be there. Because let me just tell you, and you tell your parents this as well. You are worthy. To be there. You deserve to be there, and whether or not you get in won't affect that. It's simply the luck of the draw."

I almost burst into tears. You were right there in that booth. I could feel it. It was amazing.

The rest of the day involved surprisingly easy homework, amazing worship at church, a delicious lunch, a letter, and wonderful fellowship in cars and restaurants and other such venues.

But to hear You tell me through the man in the brown checkered jacket, that I was worthy...
...was simply the most incredible and unexpected gift.

So I need to take a minute to thank You for it.

Wow, You're so wonderful. I can't even fathom it sometimes.

Continuing to praise,
Abby

But This Isn't On My Schedule

I'm a planner. I like to make plans.

Even now. I'm thinking about a conversation I'll have a week from now, possibilities for prom dresses/dates/venues, my wedding photos, my next free afternoon, homework for tomorrow, and about five other things.

I also daydream a lot, which means that I get rather elaborate, unrealistic imaginations going in my head, which quickly turn into rather elaborate, unrealistic plans.

And the truth is that I have no idea what's going to happen five minutes from now.

As for all that other stuff?

The topics of those conversations could become irrelevant before I get to them. I could end up not being able to find a prom dress, and the male population could realize that I'm much too lame to take to prom. I might not be able to come up with something creative for my wedding photos and have really cliche pictures. (Okay, that one is a total lie. My wedding photos will be epic.) I might not have another free afternoon. Ever. I might forget to do my homework. I might.....whatever.

The point is, planning is smart and all, but you can't plan the unexpected, nor can you orchestrate your life. That's Someone Else's job.

So. This spontaneous post is basically just to remind myself that I don't know, well....anything.

Goodnight, world. Feel free to surprise me.

The King is Enthralled With Your Beauty

"And back there is my wife; she's the hottest thing on two legs."

"And this is the most beautiful woman alive, my wife."

"I'd like to introduce you to the most gorgeous girl in the world."

I love hearing grown men say these kinds of things about their wives. But every time I hear it, there's a subconscious blink in the back of my mind that goes, "Can they really mean that?"


Like....really, really believe that.


The more I thought about it, the more it find it incredulous that someday a man will come into my life who will love me so much that to him, I am the most beautiful woman who's walking the earth. Who will say things like that not because he's supposed to, but because he can't help it.


Um. Wow.


And the more I think about how incredible it would be to have someone love me that much, the more I realize how much Someone already does.


And how incredible is that?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Let not yours be the merely external adorning... But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is not anxious or wrought up, but is very precious in the sight of God." ~1 Peter 3:3-4

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also implanted eternity in man's hearts and minds..." ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know it full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Goodmornings

Waking up while buried deep in the white comforter is a conundrum sometimes. There's bluish, snow-softened light seeping through the blinds, and the coolest friend in the world is dreaming quietly under her purple eye mask next to me, and my hair is clean and nice-smelling and cuddling around my neck. But after those few seconds of dreamy, half-conscious bliss, the noisy, worried part of my brain wakes up and starts running around, fretting about its complaints.

Do I listen to the sunlight and the comforter and the teddy bears? Or the little worries?

I'm not sure.

But it's nice to wake up and for a moment, with all these tiny kisses from the sun showering me with little delights,
the other things don't matter.

Hello, world... we meet again.

 

Update:

I'm going to a church retreat this weekend with a bunch of senior girls I've never met.

I gave a sweet sophomore girl my number between classes this week and told her to call me.

I've made a new friend that looks promising.

So, in essence, I'm pursuing some people.

But:

I have no one at school.

It's still kind of a waiting-on-God thing at this point to see if any of this stuff actually works out.

I'm realizing that I need to cut back on some relationships, and it's hurting.


This is hard. 

To Those That Get It,

This is one of those trust moments where I'm placing part of me in the hands of who-knows-who.

I've heard that when you're a Christian, your relationships with others should be like a cross. You've got people above you pouring into you, people below you whom you're pouring into, and those on either side who are there with you, and you all pour into each other.

Well, my 'cross' has been pretty lopsided as of late.

I noticed it a little while ago that I really didn't have too many close friends, but it really hit me when I realized that I had even fewer Christian friends.

And today when I was venting to my mom and absolutely broke down, I realized that this is not something to be taken lightly. It's a real struggle, and a real need.

I have some scattered Christian friends in my area at the moment. Excluding my family from back in Okinawa, there are a handful of people that I see occasionally that are genuinely life-giving, and pour into me like Jesus.

But in my daily life, like-hearted people are absolutely scarce.

Oh, I have a few friends that call themselves Christians, and some even act like it. But like-hearted is something very rare. And I'm realizing that trying to get by on.... the relationships I have been... is not working.

I can feel this huge hole in my life. And as it widens, I can sense the world trying to fill it. I notice myself being tempted to fill it with temporary things. It's scary. I'm trying to respond by simply spending more time with God. That helps, of course. But there is a definite place where Godly, life-giving relationships are designed to fit, and that place is nearly empty.

Yes, this is teaching me to rely on God more. Immensely. In a short time, I've made amazing discoveries on how to bring His Presence into my daily routine and have seen incredible joy come from that. I know I need to depend on Him for my joy, not others.

But as my mother comforted me today, she reminded me of the truth: to be loved is a God-given need. And there's nothing wrong with needing human relationships, because sometimes those are the venues by which God blesses us.

So okay. Here's why I'm saying all this on the Internet.

I'm done hiding this. I'm done hiding the fact that there is a gaping hole in my heart and in my life. It won't get better until I am honest about where I am.

To any readers that are Christians and know what I'm talking about:
Prayer could not be more needed. I cannot under any circumstances go through this life alone, and so if nothing else, pray for more of His Presence. (But some friends would be nice too.)

To any readers I have yet to become properly acquainted with: 
Say hi to me sometime, please. Even if you're not into the whole Jesus thing, I could use a few kindred spirits. It helps more than you realize.

Let your kingdom come in this world and in my life...

....Your love is strong....