Denim and the Occasional Epiphany

Some people already know this about me, but I love walking by myself. 

(Usually it's only on those rare nights that I get out of dish duty by oh-so-kindly offering to walk the dog, but it's still the best thing ever.)

I always select a playlist that matches my desired mood and just look at things around me.

And sometimes, I'll have these very brief moments, where....

where....

It's weird. I can't actually explain. 

But for example, this one afternoon, I was just taking the dog for a brief stroll to the corner of my street and back. I had this song playing:

(Don't watch the video; the words of the song are irrelevant. Just listen while reading.)

It was the peak of brilliant fall. The trees were exploding with orange and the air was sunny and faintly cool. I was wearing, for the first time all year, my beat-up black Converse. My jeans were my loosest ones and the denim was slightly thicker. For some reason, those jeans feel the most like real jeans to me; they're not tight and stretchy and thin. My shirt was just a loose plaid flannel. My hair was, for once, down and falling around my shoulders in all its wavy thickness. 

I glanced down at my loose jeans and my faded, dirty shoes and realized how much I didn't look like a typical teenage girl. 

And all of a sudden, I was okay with myself.

Not that I am constantly hating my appearance. But in that moment, I knew that my hair was tangled and my skin wasn't at its best and my clothes were rather plain. And for some reason, I loved it. I was comfortable and breathing deeply and I was a teenage girl who, for a moment, didn't care about any of the things teenage girls are supposed to care about. For some unfathomable reason, I couldn't care less about anything. I was just happy and comfortable in my own skin.  

Then I looked up at the tree branches draping over the sidewalk. I could reach up and touch the green-and-yellow leaves that were about to detach from their stems and float to the ground. I thought for a flashing, time-traveling nanosecond about all the processes that were running in my body all at once. It came to me in this revelation that allowed me to see behind its simple facade and almost fathom the depth of the universe that existed behind it:

I was a living, breathing, human being. 

And for these few seconds, I was just so glad that I was alive and me. 

I know I sound like such a transcendentalist. But like I said, it's almost impossible to explain the feelings themselves. They only come for a few seconds and then leave, but in those few moments, everything just kind of rushes into me and I feel...something.

So I just thought I'd try to put it into words. For myself, mostly.

Sorry if it didn't work. :)