Pathos

Here it is. My sappy, emotionally-charged blog post. These come a couple times a month, and if you are tired of them, you have permission to leave now. I will not judge or take it personally.

We good?

Okay then.

Let's see. To start, I made the terrible decision of watching a couple of those particular How I Met Your Mother episodes where some deep truth is revealed about destiny. Ted expressed his deep longing to find "the one" and Barney, for once, went against his womanizing ways and realized he's in love with Robin.

Then I turned the channel and "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was on, some old-ish movie and of course, the cute guy who kissed a (much younger) Jessica Biel made my heart melt.

Then I went up to my room and fell facedown on my bed and wished some sweet, non-creepy guy would do something cute for me. Just once.

Then I realized how stupid that was.

I've often been tempted to write this post. Many times. Each time, I get right up to the last minute and decide not to.

Which is why I'm still not going to write it now.

But what I will do is give away a tiny piece of what I might have written.

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Basically, these semi-monthly, fleeting moments of self-doubt in my confidence that I don't need a guy to be happy weren't always so awful.

All I will say is that I got a short taste. I got a very brief, imperfect glance at what it might be like to have someone care about you. And in the moment, it was pretty great to feel that about myself.

But of course, that moment ended. I looked at it from a much wider angle and realized it was incredibly false. I got my head and heart in the right place and everything was fine again.

But now, these small moments of doubt just plain suck. Because I have something to miss. A flawed substitute for the real thing, yes. But more than nothing.

And that's a bit of what's been keeping me up. I've probably said too much. For my dignity's sake, it's probably better if no one read this far.

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Thank you and goodnight. Oh, and Merry Christmas. (I mean that genuinely.) In case anyone's wondering, mine was fantastic.