362 Days Later, Part 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE: READ PART 1 FIRST. 

So there I was. In my own personal hell (aka Stafford) with none of my best friends and two weeks to do summer assignments for an English teacher that turned out to be the polar opposite of my last(favorite) one.

A month passed. I still hated it.

Two months passed. I hated it even more.

I could still feel inside jokes bubbling up inside me in situations, but realized that no one here would understand them. I could see certain people's faces and hear what they would say to certain remarks.

I needed Japanese food. So. Badly. (here's that post)

Whenever my mom would ask about school, I'd descend into a fit of angry ranting that usually ended with me, on my bed, alone. Crying. Again.

And so it continued.

Somewhere along the way, I made friends. I got involved. I had (thank goodness) a few teachers I liked. Some of them I'll have next year.

There were moments when I was happy.

But at the end of the day, I wasn't where I felt like I belonged. Everyone I talked to in Stafford seemed to have this awful mindset that it was the center of the universe. Like nothing else existed. I just wanted to shake everyone and say, "Wake up! Don't you get it?! This is nothing like the world."

But perhaps even worse than that was the thought that even though my life wasn't going on without my family back in Japan, they were all still there. And their lives were going on without me. Even if I went back, it wouldn't be the same because they would have made new memories without me and I'd be That Girl That Used To Live Here.

There is nothing worse than the feeling that you don't belong...

...anywhere.

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So here we are.

I'm still here. And it looks like I'll be around a little longer.
The fact that I can say that without breaking down is a feat in itself.
It's funny. I look at atheists and just wonder, how do they do it?

Because in all honesty, if it weren't for God, I'd have done something pretty bad by now. The thought of what I might have done scares the crap out of me.

Some of the sadness I felt this year would have been absolutely impossible to get through on my own.
But in the midst of the worst moments, a simple prayer, and the most incredible peace would flood through me. Some of the things I'm most thankful for this year-actually, all of them- I didn't deserve. At all. But I'm glad they found me.

So to end, I guess this has been one of the longest, hardest lessons I've ever had to learn. And I'm still learning it. Nothing is the same yet, and I don't think it ever will be. But I guess that's okay. I'm better now. Not quite great, but better.

At the end of it, this song is really the only thing that can explain everything.

So here's to one more year. May it be better than the last.

Happiness is somewhere I've been before

a blurry photograph that I've since ignored...

...God, it has been quite a year

I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more.